Cow Tse Tung's Sporting Vignettes

Steward, Bring Me My Milk Bottle Or I'll Chuck A Hissy Fit

2011-12-31T18:22:00.000+08:00

Traitor and ex-Australian spinner Steward McFrill aka Stewie McGirl aka Stuart MacGill (in more politically correct circles) hasn't featured on this blog since 2005. Can you believe that? I sure can. Bastard let the team down when we needed him most.

Anyway, so here's not-so-young Stewie, doing his best impression of -yes, you guessed it - a little McGirl in a pink frock. Not that Cow Tse Tung has anything against Pink.

I love pink. I mean, I just drank this shit diet energy drink called Pink this evening instead of having a meal so that when they milked me on the first day of 2012 tomorrow, I'd produce a viable alternative to Red Bullshit and V for Vagina.Got Milk?

Rayon Harassed by Cheater Liddle

2011-12-27T17:34:00.001+08:00

Peter Siddle and Ryan Harris Training for the India-Australia Test Series 2011-2012.

Word is that Rayon Harass's (aka Ryan Harris to you educated ones, and Lion Hallas to you chinky Asians) parents named him so because they thought he was like rejuvenated cellulose. After a forced hiatus due to purported injury and spurious-liquor-intake, I can't see no cellulose, but cellugain and again, the cellulite seems to be anything but lite, Rayon.

Here's Cheater Liddle (aka Peter Siddle), who's actually not a liddle cheater but a big one at that. You might say that's an extremely uninformed opinion, but I bet you hadn't seen this photo of Liddle subtly threatening physical violence against Harass with his toy dagger...

If You're Petrified of Mickey Arthur, Good Luck Playing The Currymunchers, Ed Cowan!

2011-12-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

A reliable source tells us that top odour fartsman, Ed Cowan, no relation to Edith Cowan, or Edith Cowan University was actually called Ed Coward before he stank up Australian cricket. Don't believe this source of ultimate truth? Look at the evidence above. Even choker South African coach Mickey Farter scares this fellow!

Flake IPL Players

2009-04-27T15:05:00.008+08:00

Man, so much for liberty, equality and fraternity. This Fake IPL dude writes funnier shit than me. And, he's got insider info on IPL - works for me, because my pubes are out of control. WTF? There goes equality out of the cricketing satire window. Then there's the perplexing matter of whether Mandira Baby IS the Deep Throat, or whether Mandira GIVES Deep Throat? Is that even propah grammar? Who cares - IPL is a form of cricket followed by illiterate Indians anyway. Preserve your Queen's for a tougher day.

Anyway, who cares who this dude is, as long as he makes an ass of himself, or gives us a tidbit or two to chuckle over. I am annoyed with the nicknames he gives players though - they're too - ummm - KOSHER! My list of alternative nicknames for IPL personalities:

John Buchanan (Bhooka Naan): Duke Canon would've been my name - coz he's a gun coach. And the world can kiss my chaddhis for all I care - Buck is God.
Saurav Ganguly (Lord Almighty): WTF? What kinda insult is Lord Almighty meant to be? Huh? I reckon Soreass ManBully is more vicious, AND also that the ass-raiding crybaby is this Fake IPL Player himself.
Kevin Pietersen (Peter Ka Beta): BORING!!!! Cave-In (under pressure) Cheaterson.
Shane Warne (Sheikh of Tweak): Is this a take on Sultan of Swing? YAWN! Mane Yawn. Coz he's all about his fake hair, and he puts me to sleep with his wannabe bad-boy antics, only to end up at the Allan Border medal with his sweet daughter.
Shantakumar Sreesanth (Appam Chutiya): Okay, in true populist style, you coin a nickname with a swear word, and India's low IQed population goes, "brilliant, why didn't I think of that?". Being an Indian cow, but with a trace of Jersey blood in me, I'd go with FreeCanth (rhyming with CUNT). On second thoughts, Appam Chutiya sounds better.
Mandira Bedi (Sandy Something Babe): Sandy? Who wants a SANDY babe? I say, Randy-RRRR Bebi

Well, that's about all my bovine brain can handle at this stage. I leave you with Crybaby Breakdancer, Freecunt and Sho Ape Fuckthar, comparing notes on penis size, and how to create illusions of crotchly grandeur by means of wearing your sister's skin-tight jeans.

Sharkfin Fins and Forthcumming Slut Tyres

2009-04-11T17:32:00.005+08:00

Hear, hear.

I understand how assorted currymunchers feel about Sachin Tendulkar, especially sexually, but this guy takes it to a new level altogether - Praveen SR is his name, and I guess he caught me on a bad hair day.

Please note that as of April 9th, Praveen won't be cumming in front of a computer. I can only assume he's opted for the backdoor option.

Harbhadance Singh?

2009-02-22T23:32:00.007+09:00

Laddies and Gentlewanks,
It has been nearly two years since I posted on this blog. When Bob Woolmer died in mysterious circumstances in the West Indies during the ICC World Cup of 2007, I lost all interest in cricket, and my appetite for cricketing satire.

Since then, world cricket has evolved greatly, even as my favourite team, Australia, are in a rebuilding phase and haven't had the success of the past. Woolmer's death was written off as natural, even though I firmly believe he was murdered - but that's beyond the scope of this blog.

Back to our regular transmission, since the self-imposed exile/sabattical - I present to you, Bollywood belly dancer, Harbhadance Singh...

From his belly size, it is evident that Harbhajan has been digging into plenty of tandoori chickens and ghee-laced naans, in anticipation of the tough Kiwi conditions. Daniel Vettori beware!

R.I.P. Bob Woolmer

Why Animal Lovers Should Support Cricket...

2007-03-04T12:29:00.000+09:00

Disclaimer: This is a pubic service massage.
Here is Kevin.
Kevin Pietersen.
He is a rare ~~cocksucker~~ cockatoo from remote South Africa who was brought over to England because of his uncanny ability as a ~~battyboy~~batsman. A birdie batsman, you might ask? Yes, as long as you're not a duck, you're in luck.

Watch cricket. Save endangered species like Kevin, the ~~cocksucker~~ "Cockatoo" Pietersen.

Mohammed Yousuf And The Cross Of Changes

2007-03-04T11:45:00.000+09:00

The batsman formerly known as Yousuf Youhana might not realize it, but converting to Islam and walking around looking like an Osama Bin Laden clone isn't the key to his recent batting success. No sir, no bowler's intimidated by your Osama look, bar the Aussie pace quartet, who, in recent times, find even #10 dummies a handful to contend with.

Anyway, if you look carefully at this picture, you will see that Mohammed Yousuf might have given the Christianity the boot, but Jebus Christ always watches over him. I think Jebus might have an obsessive personality. Like me. Now, I'm off to chart a strategy on how I'm going to convert Jebus into a cow-worshipping Hinjew.

Who Wants Kookaburra When You Can Have A Crystal Ball?

2007-02-18T12:25:00.000+09:00

Pictured above are Anil Kumble, who works really hard on his bowling, and his hence a consistent performer, and Sachin Tendulkar, who's too busy doing other stuff, and hence only manages a decent performance every 10 matches or thereabouts. Seen here is Tendulkar consulting a crystal ball to gauge his chances at the 2007 Cricket World Cup in the West Indies. Before you pass judgment on him, remember - Tendulkar wasn't very well educated, since he was too busy scoring ducks in international cricket. Scoring ducks, you heard me right. Some like the sheep (Fleming, Oram?), but some just love the ducks. Peking duck, Peeping Tom....ah, brings back some old memories.

But yeah, as I was braying, this guy's so dumb that he still can't tell "the" golden goose from a not-so-golden duck.

Zero G Bopara, and Paul Nixon, the Great Anchor

2007-02-18T11:59:00.000+09:00

As you can tell, Cow Tse Tung isn't the happiest chappy around, after Australia's dismal losses to the Pommies and the Kiwi. No more Pom jokes. I'll even spare the sheepfuckers. And definitely no Aussie players on this blog for a while. Yes. Aussie cricket boycott.

Right, first, we see the supposedly athletically challenged Monty Panesar, on cloud nine. Paul Nixon tries to emulate the new Flying Sikh (with all due respect to the real Flying Sikh, Milkha Singh) but fails miserably. 'White men can't jump', they say. Also, this might be because of the "heavy water" within Nixon. As you can see, he is clearly a Chernobyl survivor. His teeth say it all in the above picture. He's like a beacon behind the stumps, guiding the bowlers using his neon glow.

But this guy Nixon, he might be a shit batsman and a radioactive freak, yet is a great motivator. He's utilizing the Indian connection to the maximum, as next on, another player of Indian origin, Ravi Bopara is caught defying gravity, and Nixon seems to be the driving force behind him. The roles have reversed. The Indians are seeking spiritual guidance from the West, and gurus like Nixon are helping us curries levitate. ARGH. I don't find any humor in cricket since Australia lost. Sobs. Goodbye pretty world.

Of Duntroon and Sandhurst and a Certain General Monty

2007-02-18T11:37:00.000+09:00

Pictured above is British cricket star, and spinner par excellence, Monty Panesar, dropping a 100 at the orders of his coach after his umpteenth misfield to background music by The Midfield General, after which a decision was taken by the CTT Bored of Directors to rename him as "The Misfield General". Very apt.

Who Needs Comedies When We Have Cricket?

2007-01-13T20:17:00.000+09:00

Hey kids, turn off your toons.Hey adults, turn off your sitcoms, skits, and whathaveyous.
Cricket is 360 degree entertainment now.

On Thursday, Missus Cow Tse Tung, who's not really a cow, but can be one when she's in a not-so-good mood took me to Youtube and showed me the real reason (and it definitely was bronchitis) why Brett Lee missed the first ODI game of the Commonwealth Bank (DIE CBA DIE) series against that pitiful excuse for a cricket team, England. Yessir, the bitter truth was exposed to me, right before our season-opening one-dayer. Twat Lee was away, in quest of Liz Kemp, Mark Deux, in tandem with matchmaker, and screechy BollyWoof bitch, Ass-uh Boo-Sleigh (post-Christmas carol time). It was possibly the worst romantic number I have ever heard in my life, and I think even Medusa would turn down Adonis were he to serenade her with a song like this.

Yo Brett, if you sing shitty songs like this, I'm not too shocked you end up with bronchitis. Even pests and bacteria and bugs find tracks like that highly annoying. First, you have INXS, who come up with a classy Indo-Aussie vid...and then Twat Lee And Asha Bhosle wreck it all.

Then, on Friday, I came back from work, hoping to see England put up a decent fight against the Aussies, but what do I get to see? Reports of Mcgrath breaking Pietersen's ribs. The stupid fuck was giving McGrath the charge AGAIN, and this time, he got what he's deserved for over a month now. If you thought that was enough, no sir. You had to watch England's innings. Flintoff, first over, gives wides I can't even keep a count of. The keeper, Paul Nixon - no relation to my idol and fellow slimeball, Richard Nixon - freaking dives AFTER the ball has passed him. No worries matey. You can still redeem yourself yet.

What do I see next? A magic fumble. The keeper is looking at say 5 ft height, when the ball strikes him a bit above his pads. Ouch.

OKAY! Still no worries...what could go worse?

Next on, as I await that great redemption, what does Nixon go and do? He dives in front of first slip, trying to take the ball, but instead ensures Australia get a 4 off yet another Flintoff wide.

Seems like Panesar didn't want to be left out of the fun. He's my favorite cricketer these days, and that's mainly coz he's such a simpleton. I love his no-frills, no ego, competitive attitude. What I can't get is his fielding. First up, he nearly trips Sajid Mahmood as they head back to their positions after saving a boundary, and then, instead of going for a catch, like a true Indian, he waits for the ball to bounce, lest he injure his dainty hands. You're an international cricketer - try and convert those half-chances. Catching the ball won't hurt that much. ARGH! I take back my ARGH, actually - it reminded me of people I played cricket with as a kid, and how me, being Jonty Rhodes incarnate, or thereabouts, going, "the ball's not gonna eat ya, pussy. Get your paws to EAT ze BALL". No double entendre, please.

Nuff' said. I turned the TV off after a hearty, healthy laugh, and went back to listen to my favorite new song...Asha Bhosle featuring Brett Lee in "You Are The One For Me". Disgusting.

I dare you to watch it right here, right now, and disagree with my assessment...and don't stone me for putting this up - curries are actually buying enough copies of the single to make it a chartbuster back in my former motherland.

Barmy Harmy Working On His Fitness

2006-12-27T21:05:00.000+09:00

Man, I truly thought Steve Harmison had more to him than he's shown us on this tour. I mean, I've been his fitness trainer for months now. We've been lifting candy floss and flossing our teeth non-stop to prepare for this very Ashes series. And now, our collective dream is in shambles. Damn those Aussies. Let me show you a picture of my beloved Harmy diligently undergoing my acclaimed fitness program for cricketers...

He's NOT busting a cheerleader move. For God's sake, you ignoramuses and hippopotamuses. A song comes to mind..."Candy Perfume Girl" by the evergreen crackhoe, Madonna.

So, on the day that we hear of Shane Warne's definite and Glenn McGrath's tentative retirement plans, what does Steve Harmibum go and do? He announces he's "retiring" from ODIs. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but he's just 28, right? All my years of hard work and toil have gone down the drain. I was hoping Harmy would show some grit and determination, and master the art of ODI bowling. But well...

England, like India is a team that rewards mediocrity, because excellence is unknown, or requires way too much movement away from one's comfort zones. Look at Pakistan. Afridi "retires" from Tests, and he gets dropped from the ODI squad. Gotta earn your stripes son, gotta earn your stripes.

Why We Had To Send Back Irfan Pathan Instead of Sachin Tendulkar

2006-12-27T18:35:00.000+09:00

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys...(that's my attempt at sounding like a Virgin Blue stewardess), Irfan Pathan is being deported from South Africa for scoring a 100 and a 40 n.o. in a tour-turning game before the current Test Series. He doesn't have any godfathers sitting in Parliament House, New Delhi, so you see, there's no political outcry over his exclusion from the team.

I'll answer that one, THANK YOU!
'Coz you bat like Danny Morrison with a wrist injury.

Initially, Cow Tse Tung Sexurity CystStems (not related to Cow Tse Tung Sound System) was hired to handcuff and drag the terribly out of form Suckshit Tenderrer (no relation to cricket-lovin' Roger Federer) back to the dark alleys of Mumbai, where BDSM, sodomy and gilli-danda(1) rate amongst people's favorite and favored pastimes. But the Bored of Crickets (and other pesky pests) Control of India aka BCCI forewarned us of the political fallout (think SoreAss Googly), and the potential quagmire that would've/could've followed, and our preemptive, forward-thinking move saved many a city in India from imminent riots. So we just had to settle for the Muslim kid, Irfan PotPan being sent back home to clean the pots and the pans. We should be looking into opening tailender, VrrrrrEnder Sehwag's case once we clear our backlog, fear not. His lack of form has been very annoying. Axe the fatass already.

-------------------------------------

I am VERY angry at the stupid pansy faggot poof homo gay battyboy who was searching for "Andrew Symonds+GAY" and arrived at my wonderful blog, courtesy of Gaygle, the gay Google. Look, you sneaky little turd, Symonds might've fucked England in the rear, but he ain't gay. But you can wank to his pictures. He gives you his express permission through his Agent La Sexual Affaires` , i.e. myself. Which reminds me, Symonds scored his first Test century today. 154 n.o. at close of play. I'm SO proud of him. His average now stands at 26+, courtesy of the undefeated knock. You deserved it matey. Cool runnings.

Footnotes:
(1) Gilli Danda could also mean Adam Gilchrist's Prostitution Business. Gilly, or Gilli= Adam Gilchrist, superman wicketkeeper in Australian slang. Dhanda=Business (usually of the dodgy variety) in Hindi.

Great Cricketing Minds Stink Alike

2006-12-25T12:02:00.000+09:00

Man, after the 2005 Ashes, everybody would go on and on about human beer-cask, Man-brew Glintoff's cricketing genius, and coach Dunkin' Donuts Stretcher's coaching wizardry. I was getting sick of it, until this Ashes series, when the glint off Glintoff's supposed cricketing brilliance wore off. And what made me even happier was Coach Dunkin's team requiring stretchers, after their comprehensive defeats. Very satisfying. Revenge, sweet, revenge.

Anyway, so there have been recent news reports about Coach Dunkin' Donuts and Captain Glint-off not seeing eye to eye on matters as diverse as selection...and ummm...selection. Cases in example are wicketkeeper, Chris Steed, Monty Dancer (not stripper), and whoever else they brought over from England (and they did bring a fair number of players over). This picture clearly proves that the Coach and the Captain have the same thing on their minds - so why all this crap about not thinking alike etc.?

Grunt Moans Bitter In Victoria

2006-12-25T11:43:00.000+09:00

I've been really busy playing massive DJ mixes to myself and my goldfish. In the time I've been away, I find that other cricket blogs are now using the same image distortion techniques as myself to try and match my notoriety. Look mates, cricket blogs are meant to be dignified, with this one being the sole exception to the case. Cow Tse Tung very angry. But that's another story for another day.

Today, we see England's extraordinarily ordinary wicket-keeper, Grunt Moans, in his new role as beer-keeper for the Barmy Army. His luck has finally run out on him, as has Coach Dunkin' Stretcher. So, as he watches the English squad prepare for the 4th Ashes Test, Geraint, bitter in Victoria, holds a Victoria Bitter (possibly the worst tasting beer on Earth, excuse my patriotism). I'd distort and twist and make even more fun of Geraint Jones' name, but I don't really know how to pronounce it. Ignorance is bliss and a whole let less work w.r.t. compiling posts like this.

Pakistan Cricket's Never Ending Romance With Sex, Drugs, and Sushi Rolls

2006-12-11T18:39:00.000+09:00

Mate, as me, and Elton John (and you'll see in a moment why Elton is so critical to this post) always say, back when we were young warthogs, did Imran Khan have the time of his life or what! Not only did he ummm, screw the Jew (Jewmima Goldsmith, distant relative of Shylock the money-lender), but he also managed to play good, hard cricket under the influence. We can't go into any details of what this "influence" refers to, but hey, you're as smart as I am, so go figure.

Then there was Wasim FuckRum. The man with the shortest run-up for a pace bowler. I always thought he had a lovely wife, and a great marriage, until I heard this on the radio a few weeks back, on the Hamish and Andy show (92.9 FM in Perth, or podcast-able online):

Hamish and Andy: So what celebrity have you pashed AFTER they were famous?Random female caller: I pashed Wasim Akram, the Porkistani cricketer, about 2 years back.

And take my word for it, Wasim's wifey don't have no Aussie accent, mate.

Anyway, so after all these sex scandals involving Pakistani cricketers, I wasn't very surprised when I saw this picture on Cricinfo.com:

Yes, that's the disgraced drug-implicated Porkistani fast bowler, Shoaib Chuck-thar, with physio, Darryn Lifson, in what they're saying is a physiotherapy session. NO, they're not trying to pump out drugs from Shoaib. And they are definitely not indulging in sodomy. That kinda shit is looked down upon in Porkistan, despite the million and one cases of gay rape that occur there. No sir, we do not condone such behaviour. Which is why we had to "ban" Shoaib from cricket for 2 years. The problem wasn't drug related - the problem was that he was becoming too addicted to carnal indulgences with Caucasian men. Just like Imran, except for his sexuality. I mean, at least Imran picked feminine White men like that transvestite, Jemima Goldsmith.

What I'm kinda disappointed about is that Shoaib isn't the manly, controling stud I thought he was - instead, as we can see from his facial expressions, he quite enjoys being the bitch. Damn bottom.

Sachin Tendulkar's Changing Role In The Indian Cricket Team

2006-12-03T19:35:00.000+09:00

So, on a recent astral projection trip to India, the Australian cricket Grape Chappal, big fan of wine, and also currant Indian cricket coach was telling me about how much Sachin's role in the Indian cricket team has changed.

While the media and myself comfortably assumed this he was talking about Sachin's "role" in the team, little did we realize that he meant Sachin's been making rolls for the team. Since the guy doesn't score runs, and refuses to bowl, they figured they'd still retain him in the team as their official hot dog vendor [the guy owns a restaurant in Mumbai, yo], which in turn means that their Pepsi sponsorship wasn't lost because of non-performance on the field. Masters of marketing, I tell ya. The BCCI should be a management consultancy, specializing in turnarounds.

And Then There Was Steve Harmison and Some Disgraceful Ball Tamponing

2006-12-03T18:13:00.000+09:00

I've been too busy watching Australia fucking whip England, so, apologies for this delayed Ashes coverage...

As if this whole Shane Warne moob incident wasn't scandalous enough, we then captured Steve Harmison trying that whole Ball Tamponing business by using his lactating breasts to squirt some of his erm, FLUIDS on to the cricket ball. This game is no longer a gentleman's game...all these boobs and lactation. I feel lactose intolerant. Darn that. Never thought I'd say this - go away Pamela Anderson wannabes. :-(

Shane Warne Fondling His Moobs...

2006-12-03T17:53:00.000+09:00

Man, what a disgrace of a cricket match. England rendered Shane in the ass Warne ineffective, or so they'd like to believe, and their teddy-bear of a bowler, Matthew Hughard is the most successful of the bowlers.

But here, at Cow Tse Tung Centre for Sports Anal-i-Cys(t), we have found out the real reason as to why Shane couldn't perform to his optimum. The team had a blanket ban on sex, and Warne, as we very well know, can't function without, erm, functioning. His ball release depends on his erm, release. Damn this chick...behind every failing man is a, erm, WENCH (for want of a politer word). Damn Warney, stop playing with ze moobs.

Apple Muralitharan (no relation to Apple Martin)

2006-11-15T22:29:00.000+08:00

Did you know that Mutthiah Muralitharan is so dedicated to the art of spin bowling that even his fruit-eating - apples deserve a particular mention here - involves cutters, doosras, flipperzzz (my pet dolphin, who's a celebrity in his own right), and chucking. Sample this...

Here's a Murali anecdote for all you little chucker-wannabes...
Back when I was a famous cricket player, my mother invited Murali over for dinner. So Murali takes a seat, and next thing I know, my mother's upset about his lousy table manners, so much that she starts singing,
"Son, Son, strong and able
Put your elbows off the table".
The guy doesn't get the hint, and starts humming some random Sri Lankan folk song. Like I want to listen to Ceylonese folk songs. Give us a break mate!
And what does Muralitharan go and do next when I ask him to shut the funk up? He complains about racist behaviour from his hosts, i.e. my family. The Sri Lankan board then hires and bribes a poor biomechanics professor from University of Western Australia's renowned sport science department who sends us a 1000 page quasi-thesis on why Murali's arms were on the table, and how he wasn't breaking any established norms, citing a birth defect as the reason for it all.

DARRELL HAIR LONG LIVE.
For telling it like it is.

Porky Pigs

2006-10-10T19:01:00.000+08:00

Damn man, these Porkistani cricketers are worse than that dude John Kerry, who was dishing out free Heinz Big Red tomato sauce (he imported it from Australia, dumbasses) to people in 2004 A.D., in order to get their support for his bid for presidentship of the United States. The dude even splurted some Big Red on his military uniform and then asked me to doctor his Vietnam pictures so people would think the dogs of war, whatever that means, bit him and made him rabid enough to desert the world's greatest barmy army, the US (b)Army. HUA? HUA! (I'm still suffering from a Black Hawk Down Hangover.)

First, InstamomUl Hugs throws a tantrum because the dumbpire, Barrel of (pubic) Hair decides Instamom was responsible for his band of fast bowlers tamponing the ball. You might ask what Ball Tamponing is...well kids, its this practice of rubbing your balls and then the cricket ball with uh, used tampons from the biohazard wastebins. Disgusting, isn't it? I'm with Dumbpire Hair on this one - cricket doesn't need menstrual blood on Kookaburras. This world is sexualized enough. Leave cricket alone. Ban the likes of Mandira Baby from even watching cricket, uh, YO!

Anyway, seen here are Pakistani cricket coach, Bob Woolmer, the Walrus, and the now-you-see-me-now-you-don't Younis Khan. Last year it was Greg Chappal vs Soreass Gaandguly. This year, we have Scarier Khan Vs. YouPiss Khan.

And if you think I'm a faux-psychologist, bite me - coz, I've said this ages back - Younis Khan is unfit to captain an international cricket team. Q.E.D., Cow Tse Tung M.D. is greater than Singhmund Fried.

All You People Don't Believe, In Di Ah We Got De Bob Sled Team

2006-09-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

Yeh kids, 'tis common knowledge Cow Tse Tung is a closeted, marijuana smoking Rastafarian. Why rasta? 'Coz cannabis ain't sinful dis way mon.

Now since I waste all my mooney on marijuana, I obviously can't watch live telecasts of cricket happening around the world, 365 days a year. But, I do manage to sneak into dem government libraries and check out the scores on sites like BBSingh and CricMofo. CricMofo, what a motherfuckin' cool cricket site man.

Anyway, so after India's recent DLF Cup debacle in Malaysia, I hear the selecta (pump up de volume, Mr DJ) has decided that the Indian cricket team be retrained, reskilled, and sent off to the Winter Olympics as the first Indian bob sled team. Now, now, I know what you're thinking. Jamaica's been there, done that. Cool Runnings, fantastic Hollywood flick. They ain't copying no one, bro. Its the rasta fad. Look at me, nice former curry, currently wannabe-Jamaican. Similarly, our trendy cricketers wanna be cool too, literally, not figuratively speaking. And I, as a top notch bobsled coach, have always believed cricketers will make great bobsledgers. I mean, sledging is in our blood. We're used to giving the best downhill (ah, what irony!) performances known in sporting history, and we're known for our groupism (4 to a sled sounds great) and we love playing in new countries, where nobody's even heard of cricket. At least as bobsledders, they'll know we're real sportspersons.

All I can say is, sing that great ~~Jamaican~~ Indian soccer chant from World Cup 98, "Rise Up, In Di AHHHHHHHHHH". Or maybe not. I think I'm sledding into a state of sleep, so let me play my favorite lullaby, Bentley Rhythm Ace's Ride Your Sleigh - and NO, you may NOT FUNKIN' ride MOI SLAIYE`. I'm an athlete, this is expensive gear we're talkin' 'bout. NO< absolutely NOT!

Tigger, the Nigger Woods To Release New Old Track!

2006-09-12T19:35:00.000+08:00

Y'know kids, back in the mid 90s was a rock band fronted by a nigger, just like me. Yeh, back in tha day, I was called Mixmaster Mike, just like the dude on the Beastie Boys' albums. So one day, not long after I gave up rescratching scratched singles, I was watching MTV, looking for inspiration. What do I see? A nigger, just like me, playing heavy fucking metal. Well, it was heavy metal to my sugarpop-tuned ears bro. So yeh, these dudes called Hootie and the Blowfish were playing a track called Only Wanna Be With You, with some fantastic golf commentary in the background. And this track was like rock 'n' roll bhangra, because it used lyrics by my favorite bhangra artiste mon, the venerable Bob Dhillon!

That song, was not only my inspiration to become a headbanger, bro. It also set another famous nigger, like myself, on the path to fame. Yes, Tigger Woods it was, and now, he's repaying his debt to his Teddy Bear, POOH, who was always by his side when little Tigger wasn't as famous, and was constantly wetting his bed by singing that crazyass choon, nigga.

So hear dis, people in da house. "Only Wanna Pee With Pooh" by Hootie and the Blowfish ft Tiger - I mean, TIGGER Woods!!

What?! The Pakis Wanna Blow Daryl Harper?

2006-09-10T16:22:00.000+08:00

Man, tell you what - this cricket series between England and Pakistan has been really bitter. But Daryl Harper, he's a man who believes in equality, and doesn't judge Pakis by their color, beliefs, fundamentalism, or sexual perversions. Or maybe he does, because he thinks the Mullah wants to perform fellatio on him. Do I blame him for this stereotyping?

The Fearful Sajid Mahmood! (Abdul Razzaq, duck for cover!)

2006-09-09T16:36:00.000+08:00

Need I say more?

Inzamam Ul Daq

2006-08-30T22:00:00.000+08:00

I do realize this is possibly one of the worst pieces of photo-editing in history, but that's what this blog is all about - promoting stupid, crappy posters that most people wouldn't even use as toilet paper, because they don't want ink on their asses.

Yes, dis shizzz izz wakkk, nigga! The new Inzamam-ul-Duck toy. Dayyum. What's next? Inzamam-ul-Faq, the overweight cricket sex doll with a big Kashmir willow bat?

Thank God Darrell Hair isn't Chinese, or we'd be having roast Daq for dinner tonight, eh?

Dr. Bhajji Lykes Dem Dykes

2006-07-09T10:06:00.000+08:00

Pictured here is Indian cricketer and offspinner, Harbhajan Singh, using his superior Krypton-'lite' visionary faculties to test this stereotypical carpet-muncher for breast cancer.

Hey Ho Nuts, Meet Dunkin' Donuts

2006-04-17T22:49:00.000+08:00

Copyright infringement. ??
No sir.

Right. So this is English cricket coach Duncan Fletcher. We've brought you many fake tales about him, and here's another one to add to your collection...

After the English cricket team's dismal performance in India, the coach not only received death threats from some Anglo Indian septuagenarians, but was also unceremoniously dismissed by the ECB. Left with no alternative, or job, his mortgage spiraling out of control, little Duncan was left with no choice but to take to the streets - playing street-ball. I mean, it was almost like destiny had come full circle - Dunkin Fetcher was finally who he was named to be - a top notch hoopster.

Duncan's A Special Chai-ld

2006-04-17T22:31:00.000+08:00

Seen here are English bowler I Am FlunkItt and coach Jhankaar Stretcher, trying out a new magic potion - CHAI TEA - to revive the sagging spirits of England's One Day cricket team.

Now, I have more than one complaint here.
- First off, CHAI=TEA=CHAI (chai=tea in HINDI), so WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS CHAI TEA? Its like saying, ummm "Hi, Hello", or, "Water Pani".
- Cricinfo has a new "caption this picture" contest. What fucking copycats. Okay, I get some really neat pics off these guys, but I don't steal their ideas. On another note, it might not be that bad - on a site like that, they can't afford to be as rude and outrageous as we can.
I forgot what the last one was, but I do have the Duncan's Special Chai story...
A long time ago, when I was a young warthog, I used to watch BoreDarshan, India's state-owned, state-sponsored, propaganda machine, and television channel, where this one really annoying ad jingle was that of...you guessed it...Duncan's Special Chai. I think they wanted to say "Duncan's A Special Chai-ld"...

Who Wants To Be An Austrillionaire?

2006-04-05T18:11:00.000+08:00

Hey kids, when I first moved to Australia from India, I hated it. Over time, I've begun hating India, so much that when Australia plays India, I don the green and yellow paint, and boo the Indian cricketers till I'm kicked out of the ground for misbehaviour.

Anyway, my hard work has borne its fruit. India not only has an Aussie cricket coach in Greg Chappell, but Indian players are becoming more and more like us Aussies! The only problem is, they think jumping like a kangaroo will make them a true cricketaroo. Won't it?

Snuff Movies and Cricket - Not Another Shane Warne Sex Scandal!

2006-03-14T20:21:00.000+08:00

I was once told, the only people who can afford snuff are the same ones who can buy their way out of jail. Not much of a quote, eh?

Seen here are Aussie leg-spinner, Shane Warne, with possibly the world's lousiest spin doctor, South African cricket captain, and massive wanker, Graeme Smith.

We know of Mr. Warne's propensity to get entangled in complex webs of sex and deceit, but little did we know what these guys were talking about when their press conferences frequently referenced "choking". Michael Hutchence/"autoerotic" asphyxiation revisited.

For Mridulaji.

What's With Khans and Shirts, Huh?

2006-03-08T19:35:00.000+08:00

Seriously mate, what's this shit with Khans and shirts? First we have Shoe Rack, who likes wearing women's tops - then there's shirtless Salman, who has a very valid excuse in his lawyer gobbling all his money to settle the zillion cases and lawsuits against him - but what about Pakistani cricketer, Younis Khan?

I understand cricketers these days party hard. Like 3 odd years back, when India was in Australia, I saw Zaheer and gang banging our friend, the ABCD Draupadi. Maybe not banging, but I'm sure they got around to it. She was that kind of girl - yes, she'd even sleep with a useless, crappy satirist-wannabe like me.

Anyway, notice this guy's shirt. He's an international cricketer, at a pre-series trophy display ceremony or something. Dravid's in his team colors, but Younis seems all set for a night out in the nightclubs (seriously, I'm sure Porkistan has a few) of Karachi, or wherever this picture was taken.

So you see kids, Pakistan lost the ODI series even before it started.

Michael Yawn, English Cricket Captain

2006-02-21T07:34:00.000+08:00

There is talk of English cricket captain, Michael Vaughan and his band of merry umm cricketers being better prepared than ever to conquer the final frontier - ennui. Coach Duncan Fletcher has come up with the perfect solution - spending your day on simulation games and porn sites.

LardLa (Bring Me The 'Beloved' Animal Fat)

2006-02-11T18:04:00.000+08:00

Is South African cricket captain, Graeme Smith turning into a Granny Smith Apple (rotund, and green)? Former South African captain and Australian vassal, Kepler Wessels thinks so.

Listen to Shaun Pollock, Graeme, and stop drinking lard. Bring him some Gatorade, vassal Wessel(s).

Liz Kemp, I've Got The Hemp

2006-02-07T21:47:00.000+08:00

Man, the good thing about Brett Lee is that he didn't marry his "partner", Liz Kemp, which means that fat, ugly, horny cows like me are free to fantasize about her. Now, I do wish they'd publish more pictures of her in the media, but that wouldn't let her remain as special as she is right now. Right boys?

Anyway, lets go back to my past, when I was a sprightly young calf, growing up in the Third World, strolling on roads, fighting for my space with stupid Maruti Suzuki matchboxes people said were cars. One day, my owner brought home a television - it was educational, because the only channel we received was BoreDarshan, on which my favorite show was Krishi Darshan. Suddenly, in the 90s, came Sitar TV, not sponsored, or endorsed by Pandit Ravi Skunker, or his Medusa-like doll of a daughter, Matyrushka. Yeah, so that's when I first saw the likes of Pamela Bandarson and Jenny Nathkhatti on BabeWatch and MTV (MoociliciousTransVestites) respectively, which led me to the most important decision of my young life - if I was ever going to lose my virginity, it would be to a blonde bombshell. And she had to be Caucasian, like my forefathers. No fake blondes like Amisha Phatel for me - I like the real thing.
Ru-Paul. I miss you.
Ceteris Paribus.

Yeah, yeah, I know this is not a very happy picture, and depicts a sick mind, but hey, I can't afford a shrink, or hospital treatment for that matter. So please don't tell Brett Lee I want to root his girlfriend (Liz Kemp, Lets Smoke Hemp). Ending up as a Whopper© at Burger Fink is my second worst nightmare, the worst being Matty GrayHen eating the Whopper me.

PS: Bollywood scriptwriters - pay attention! Demented Indian clerk, crazy about cricket, and cricketers' wives/girlfriends :-O Can you sense my excitement? We're talking a potential Bollywood blockbuster!

PPS/PS2: Has Shane Warne finally become Sane Warne? See this picture - what a lovely little girl(Brooke Warne), what a good daddy. Simone Warne, BOO.

Rasta Mon Howard, PM, sledges West Indies Cricket Captain Blunderball

2006-01-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

What's this world coming to? Hatred here, hatred there, hatred hatred everywhere. Seen here is something just released from the national archives, formerly hidden from pub[l]ic view because of national security reasons.

Australian Prime Minister, John Howard seems to be giving Shivnarine Chanderpaul a taste of his own medicine. We had to edit out the expletive-laced line where Howard threatened to get Amanda Vanstone to drag Chanderpaul to Woomera, or even worse, get DIMIA to deport the poor fellow.

The Sheep Can Wait, Says Crazy Billy

2006-01-25T18:16:00.000+08:00

Seems like Rianna Ponting, Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting's law graduate blonde-bombshell wife whipped up a 7 course meal for anti-Aussie "elite" umpire, New Zealander, Billy Bowden. But our friend Ricky seems to forget that only he's got a day off from the cricket - not Bowden!

Something's wrong with these Kiwis - when a hot chick [who cares if she's married] invites me to go grazing with her, I put a stop to my world, just for her. Just for her. Billi, you're a pussy [for our English readers, Billi=Pussycat in Hindi].

Happy Australia Day mateys.
This Australia Day, lets roast umpires instead of traditional meats, because honestly, they're becoming pains in the asses. Where's a serial killer when you need one?

Android Le Gruff

2006-01-21T15:18:00.000+08:00

Yes people, we need a breather from cricket.

During the course of my ~~medications~~meditations [!@&^#$(*@# Freudian slips], I had a vision, a JPEG manifestation of which was done by some anonymous soul, may his tribe increase, a`la Abou Ben Adam.

If their child will grow up into anything like this, I think Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi are better off keeping it hidden, much like Michael Jackson does with his little angels.

Pansy Crony, Shaun (not of the dead) Bullock In Guerilla-style Abduction :-O

2006-01-18T22:25:00.000+08:00

Background musique: "Take Me Away" by 4 Strings.
Ouch.

You gotta hand it to these guys - they make American spy satellites aka "eye in the sky" seem like retro machines with Stevie Wonder vision. Yes people, I'm talking about the underground cookery and spygames channel, Al Jeera [The Cumin]. They share the strangest images with PotPol [not related to Pol Pot of Cambodia], an up-and-coming rival to Interpol. "Rookie", yeah, that's what we sporty people call it, right?

Seen here is former South African cricket captain, and supposed all-rounder[huh, what, him?], Shaun Pollock being kidnapped by the ghost of disgraced match-fixer, and captain-par-excellence, Hansie Cronje's ghost. An unidentified South African player, said to be Hansie's long-lost cousin, Nicky Boje, is trying to save Shaun from Hansie's fate.

First, match-fixing, then racist abuse, then, the icons behaving badly [the only people we like behaving badly are hot chicks, OKAY], and now, guerilla style kidnappings! Yessir, cricket is the truest representation of demoncracy.

The blurred carrier number is the cause of sloppy photo-editing, and not some hidden agenda. I swear upon whoever you value most. Hence, we are unable to verify who funded the chopper hire. You can flip a coin and decide. ICC vs Matchfixers [criminal betting syndicates].

Hold on a sec.

They're one and the same.

Dig Your Own Hole [© Chemical Brothers]

2006-01-15T12:05:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Former Indian cricket captain, Saurav Ganguly digs his own grave. What I wanted to ask is - isn't this what he's been upto for the past 4 months anyway? The public demands to know when he will finally be put to rest.

Also, notice his squeaky clean tracksuit - its a new sports fabric, specially developed by the scientists at Porkistan's nuclear facility, wherever that might be . THIS (clean tracksuit) is NOT, as is rumored, because Ganguly does next to nothing in the cricket field. Please give credit to Pakistani UNclear/Nuclean scientists where it is due.

Because they steal most of their technology anyway, they have all the time in the world to work on things like mud-resistant tracksuits, which also come in handy when you're invited to a conference with the now-underground Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan.

Observer B) Soreass Goonguly decides to dig up the cricket pitch after yet another miserable display of batting. But then again, Goonguly being Goonguly, we didn't expect any different. Temper, temper!

Just a word of advice, Soreass - there's no ghost in the machine.

Turncoat Team India (Cricket) Supporters

2006-01-14T11:12:00.000+08:00

Okay, so India had an awful first two days in the first cricket Test against Pakistan, with the Porkies declaring at 679/7. Amongst the centurions were YouPiss Khan, MoHammered YouStuff, SuckShit AfroDi and CameraMan Akmal. Yes, even the bloody cameraman scored a century. So obviously, the Indian bowlers were bowling like ME!

But this coating of tricolours with green paint- this is uncalled for. How dare die-hard Indian fans turn against the very cricket team they were born to support, and paint their flags green. I'm green - with disgust, of the vomiting kind. What pisses me off even more is that they've used bloody high quality distemper produced by Asian Faints. And look at that boy in the extreme left - he's got even more green paint. What is this? Alien Nation?

And what's next I ask? Are you guys gonna convert to Islam like Mohammed Yousuf aka Yousuf Youhanna?? Huh? That boy with the hedgehog-head sure looks like a likely candidate.

Of Dawood, ISI, Crime, and Cricket , featuring CarThief Phatel and Soreass Goonguly

2006-01-12T17:51:00.000+08:00

Pakistan is home to Dawood Ibrahim. As is customary for any and every major celebrity visiting the great pig farm, Porkistan, Dawood hosted a bacon and ham buffet for his infidel visitors, Parthiv Patel and Sourav Ganguly, only to prove he's not a religious zealot. I applaud Da_Wood - he's the coolest desi nigger around.

Cosa-Nostra-Damn-Us, the mafiosi soothsayer wrote this quatrain...

What the Dickens
The Plot Thickens
Car Thief and the Bong Goon
Will Lunch With Da Hood In The Noon.

Coach Greg Chappell To Morph Into A Sacred Football!

2006-01-10T19:36:00.000+08:00

Crazed Bengali soccer fans have urged the Board of Control for Cricket In India to hire ISRO and udder scientists to assist in creating a soccer ball made from Graaaag Chapel, holy shit.

Yes, they want to skin him alive, and then create a true Communist foosball. Please Greg, come back to Australia. You don't want to be another Graham Staines, Padma Shri notwithstanding.

I really like people like this - they save me the 5 odd minutes I waste on image manipulation and adding silly taglines to sillier pictures.

Raj Singh Dungarpur To Run For US Presidency In 2008 as Democratic Candidate

2006-01-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

It has come to Cow Tse Tung Sporting Vignettes Inc's notice that the Democratic party of the US will be outsourcing the presidential candidate's job to India in the 2008 elections, keeping in line with global cost-cutting measures, and finding cheaper alternatives for positions that don't make much of a difference to our world anyway. They have earmarked Mr. Raj Singh Dungarpur (it is NOT "DANGAR" {animal} much as I might insist it is) of the Board of Control for Cricket in India [BCCI] as a possible candidate, keeping in mind his exceptional administrative and political experience, and his ability to go retract his own statements with so much ease, that people often wonder if "The Dangar" has a conscience at all.

After Aishwarya's role as an extra in some nondescript Hollywood flick, here's a real reason for the global Indian diaspora to cheer for! Yes! Hip Hip Hoozah!

What Makes Anil Kumble Such A Great Catcher?

2006-01-01T18:57:00.000+08:00

Over the past few years, one of life's greatest pleasures has been watching the markedly improved efforts of the Indian cricket team on the fielding front. Seen here is superstar legspinner, Anal Krumbly, trying to scare the ball away instead of letting the ball have the - uh - upper hand, y'know.

Saurav Ganguly Joins Rahul Dravid For A Training Session

2005-12-27T12:59:00.000+08:00

The goonda of the Indian cricket team, Saurav Goonguly trains with his successor, Rahul Dropit, prior to the Indo-Porkistan series. The song being played in the background is Snoop Dogg's "Drop Him He's On Pot".

Ex Pakistan Cricket Captain and Pace Bowler, Wasim Akram Kills Two Birds With One Stone

2005-12-24T22:13:00.000+08:00

The other day, former Porkistani paceman, match-fixer and captain, Wasim Fulcrum, who is also the face of that famous brand of sub-continental bleaching cream, 'Fare and Chubbily' was heard making claims about the ICC being racially biased. Seen here is Fulcrum with former Indian match-fixer, the blue-blooded, well-connected Ajay Jadeja, who was one of the many cricketers who started bleaching their faeces, taking a cue (and free samples) from Wasim Bhai.

Andrew Symonds Goes Wacko For Schmackos!

2005-12-22T18:01:00.000+08:00

Observer A) I've seen cricketers endorse everthing from car tyres to birth control pills - okay, maybe not the pill. But this - this is INHUMAN, literally. Seen above is the little boy of the Aussie cricket side, Michael Clarke, petting Andrew Symonds, Australia's best one day cricket player, who is playing a canine in the new Schmackos pet food advertisement. Notice Clarke's innocent-little-boy-glee at his doggie standing upright, even as Symonds is delighted to be fed Schmackos 'strapz'.

I ask you, is there no end to this advertising tomfoolery?

Observer B) Andrew Symonds is rewarded by his jubilant and youthful master, Michal Clarke, for another brilliant performance on the field with the tastiest dog snack in Australia - Schmackos!

Ajit Agarcar, Indian Cricketing Passenger Seeks A Lift Or A New Profession

2005-12-20T17:25:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Lethal Indian paceman, Ajit Agarcar is trying to stop a car, so he can get a lift back home.

Observer B) After being unceremoniously (what do you want next? functions to commemorate the axing of a player from the cricket squad?) dumped by the Indian cricket selectors for the 435645th time in a month, Ajit Magarcar (That's croco-motive [ala` cyborgs], for the uninitiated) is undergoing vocational training as a traffic policeman. Because he's out of a job, he couldn't afford to pay for the new uniform. We thought bringing his plight to your notice might evoke the Mother Terrorsa in you.

Makhaya Ntini, Move Over

2005-12-16T19:15:00.000+08:00

Gotta admit, South African rapist, and part-time bowler, Papaya Ntini bowled exceptionally well at the WACA today, which isn't far from my office. How sad is it that my boss didn't beg me to go watch the match instead of sitting in office and wasting my day away on bloody work.

Seen here is Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting, or Ponting, "The Daunting" as he's proving to be. Pace bowlers don't scare him, no sir.

But puny little cockroaches are another matter altogether, as we discovered from his see-through pants, and the, umm, little yellow spot down, uh, there. I'm having my dinner man, can you not talk about excreta or cow-dung for once. :-@

Also, I would like to state here that I, or my fellow cows are not related to Buffalo Wings, right? Cow Tse Tung's Sporting Wingettes are perfectly healthy alternatives to health-food, unlike buffalo wings.

Administering Cricket, S&M Style

2005-12-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

Aussie cricket captain, Ricky Ponting wasn't amused when Ehsan Mani threatened to whip the South African and Australian teams if they dared misbehave on the field this Test series.

I fully support fining Graeme Smith for as much as setting foot on the field, when he should be away in a mental institution, having kinky gay sex with Andre Nel. C'mon, the straitjackets are more than just what you think they are.

PS: Don't miss out this month's X-Mas Hellfire do in Sydney, Mr. Mani. You would fit right in with your sexy attire and manner.

Disco Kumble Teaches The Sri Lankans A Thing Or Two About Dancing!

2005-12-13T12:40:00.000+08:00

This picture was taken by our Staff Deporter, in an exclusive Delhi nightclub. Pictured, and narrated in order of importance is John Travolta's babe from Saturday Night Fever, high quality Yamaha amplifiers, and fancy disco lights, besides the fantastic dance floor. Oh, and we also have Indian cricketer and leg-spinning, medium-pace bowler, Anil Kumble, or (Anal Crumbly, as some like to call him) shaking his booty after taking 6 Sri Lankan wickets in the second Test at Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi. If you're wondering what song he's dancing to, its called "Saala Zenana", a famous Bollywood disco tune from the 70s.

Some Glib And Some Not So Glib Criminal Masterminds

2005-12-10T10:22:00.000+08:00

Herschelle Gibbs is a marked man these days. First, the Indian police wants him. Now, he's showing up on Interpol Most Wanted lists with his evil twin and perennial Austin Powers nemesis, Dr. Evil.

Ex South African coach, Ray Jennings had this to say, when we asked him to comment on the situation: "Looks can be deceptive. Herschelle is more glib and daft than he looks. Give the poor kid a break."

Andrew Flintoff, Yer Such A Diva!

2005-12-09T19:03:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Rather than get a good night's sleep before England's ODI game against Porkistan on Monday mourning, Andrew Flintoff will be UP on Sunday night, awaiting news from major media outlet, BB Singh on whether he is the Personality-free Sportsman of the Year.

A piece of advice for you mate - it doesn't pay to be a diva all the time.

Observer B) Opera singer Jon Christos reveals that Andrew Flintoff, who he will coach at singing, would give up cricket for his other passion....
"He said he would trade it all in to do what I do. He's very passionate about singing, so I said, 'Let's get together'. He's a big karaoke man and he loves crooning."

The Direction Indian Cricket Is Headed Towards...

2005-12-06T12:25:00.000+08:00

There have been numerous articles on Indian cricket's demise, Australian coach Greg Chappell's Nazi tactics with the players, and of course, Chappell's middle finger gesture to the Calcutta crowd (which has been termed by Jagadish of Cricket 24x7 as Hooghligans - that was genuinely funny, ADMIT IT).

Well, a source sent us this poster, from BCCI's forthcoming media onslaught, which clearly defines where Indian cricket is headed, denies that Chappell is a Nazi, and explains exactly why Chappell's inflated middle finger was sticking out of a bus window. Yes, you guessed it right - it's a seasonal condition, genetic, I might add. And no, it was NOT elephantiasis, as previously speculated.

Are The Poms Mama's Boys?

2005-12-05T19:26:00.000+08:00

Isn't Matthew Hoggard the perfect child? :-O

Oh, and my most gracious moos to Patrix, over at DesiPunkdit, for featuring this blog on the *sobs* index page *sobs* (I know, I know - blogs have mainly index pages :-@, but we got featured, so pay them a visit and say DANKE).

Bitch Report - Complaints About Unhelpful Indian Groundsmen

2005-12-04T13:23:00.000+08:00

Insider sources, such as ants, grasshoppers, and locusts have told us that the groundsman over in Chennai refused to accede to the demands of the Indian skipper, Growl Rabid, to make the pitch more Indian-bowling-attack-friendly, by placing pace-enhancers and turn-accelerators (top secret ISRO research on cricket led to the development of these technologies) under it, and activating them only when the Sri Lankans were batting.

Rabid is then said to have requested the Indian government to import Shahid Afridi, a demand that was turned down, because India does not believe in importing humans, primarily because feeding the billion-and-one-th man will prove to be a hard task.

Indian secret service, RAW thought they could kidnap Afridi, but Pakistan's ISI has proved to be smarter than them, and that's not just a recent thing. Rabid then exercised his last option - consulting with key Indian gurus like the spirit of Osho Rajneesh's pet iguana. This particular holy ghost presented a solution, which led to Rabid making a formal request to the Indian government to confer on Afridi the greatest honor known to mankind - an honorary Indian citizenship, and a passport that is better than the best toilet paper you have ever used. Will it work? Only time will tell.

It All Started Over A Bottle of Pepsi...

2005-12-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

Sharkfin Tendulkar vs. Growl Rabid. Kabbadi Style Fe Di Rudeboy. And I must tell you, if I ever catch you spelling "THE" as "DI", and you're not a Rasta, I will whack you with a fucking cricket bat.

Arrey Diwano, Mujhe Pehchano, "Hay Homie, R E C O G N I Z E"

2005-12-01T18:16:00.000+08:00

Former Indian cricket captain, Saurav GanCoolie, Prince of Calcutta Railway Station Coolie Association. Reminds me of a Flaming Lips song, "Bad Days".

You’re sorta stuck where you are
But, in your dreams you can buy expensive cars,
Or live on mars
And have it your way

And you hate your boss at your job
Well in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams
Show no mercy

Let's Do The Twist AGAIN!

2005-11-25T01:03:00.000+08:00

Third-rate South African player, Andre Nel whips up some traditional Swahili black magic, to get rid of the Indian captain. His chant, "Inga Boonga etc etc" is sung to the tune of Chubby Checker's evergreen "Let's do the twist", and roughly translates into:
" Come on let`s twist the Indians again,
like we did the past 100 summers!
Yeaaah,let`s twist their necks again,
like we did the last 100 years!"

I Is Being Shaktimaaan. I Is Being Supercaptaaan.

2005-11-23T02:32:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Every time I see this picture, I think of the classic Moloko album, "Do You Like My Tight Sweater?", for the sole reason because I feel Dravid's asking his desi female fans, "Do You Like My Tight...ummm...TIGHTS?".

Observer B) The secret of my success - wearing chaddhis on my pants, ala every Western superhero. Yesssss.

I have an urge to start a Bollywood-focused blog on the lines of Cow-Tse-Tung's Cricketing Vignettes :-( .

This Ain't No Wrestling Arena

2005-11-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Andre Nel's been watching too much fake-wrestling.

Observer B) Seems like the South Africans take the "inflicting a crushing defeat on your opponents" phrase literally.

The Fatal Embrace

2005-11-19T08:03:00.000+08:00

A shining example of Hindu-Muslim unity - the friendship between mentor Saurav Ganguly, and perennial rookie, Mohammed Kaif.

I Shot The Ponting...But I Did Not Shoot No Gilchristuty

2005-11-15T13:30:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Ricky Ponting is shot by Stuart MacGill, after the latter was dropped from the Aussie Test squad for the 4618302th time. MacGill was heard saying, "I just wanted him to feel MY pain". Yeah, right. Psycho.
Observer B) "Steward" (he's been twelfth man for so long, c'mon!) McGill unleashes his inner demon, better known as Corporal P. Unishment on the Aussie Captain, Sticky Daunting.

Billa, Pass Me the Bong Yaar

2005-11-13T03:18:00.000+08:00

As a rule, Indians are sucky surfers. But, Surfbhajan Singh, erstwhile "lethal" (really :-O) spinner tries to prove the critics and blue-eyed, blonde-haired, tanned Caucasian surfie wrong.

I'm-A-Goin'-Huntin'

2005-11-12T11:50:00.000+08:00

"Fatty" TenDullCar's next meal?
Will somebody call PETA and tell them what's going on?!

Sharminda Chaminda?

2005-11-07T14:03:00.000+08:00

Bum-In-Da-Lass (yeah, yeah, who'd be cruel enough to call their child THAT?) can't seem to come to terms with being hit all over the place by the resurgent Indian team.

Observer B)
Bum-in-Da-Lass: I might not be able to bowl, but I can still stare you bitches down, and fucking out.

A Fist of Joodi :-O ; Wing Chun in Cricket

2005-10-25T08:12:00.000+08:00

Human pest, Ha Ba Yansin, disciple of the esteemed Wing Chun sifu, Yip Man, is seen dislodging Growl Rabid with the classic "one-inch-punch", after Rabid called him "Joodi Garland". Joodi Garland. Get it?

Back-dated post.

The Strange Case of 'Butterfingers' Pietersen

2005-10-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Here is pretty white boy, Kevin Cheaterson who couldn't take competition from under-nourished, aspiring Black cricketers in South Africa, resulting in him moving to England. It is said that a patriotic South African bitch-doctor cast a spell on Cheaterson, causing him to drop more catches than he has held in Test cricket. Seen here is Cheaterson glaring at a footy ball, tossed at him by Coach Duncan Fletcher, wondering what the coach wants him to do with it. Catch, you fuckwit, CATCH IT.

Observer B) If you keep glaring at Caprice's boobies, your catching tally will remain at ZERO-ZILCH-NADA, Cave-in Cheaterson.

Big Baby Flintoff Sleeps in ICC PJs :-O

2005-10-16T09:47:00.000+08:00

Well, what do we have here!
Graeme Smith's "big baby", Manbrew Glintoff, sleeps in his bebe-blue ICC pyjamas, holding a cricket bat to ward off witches, ghosts and Aussie predators. How cute :-)
As my Indian fraand would say, "muah Glintu".

Rock a bye Glintoff,
On the Knee of Darren Gough,

When the Wind Blows,
An Aussie wicket will fall...

Future Indian Captain, Fowl Aphid with Ousted Indian Captain, Soreass Gaandguly

2005-10-15T11:39:00.000+08:00

Soreass G: Yo Aphid, lemme show you my injured tennis elbow.
Fowl Aphid: Mate, does it look like I give a flying fuck? I'm the captain now. Piss off, knucklehead.

OMG - Its That Space-Age Cricket Bat AGAIN!

2005-10-14T10:37:00.000+08:00

Seen here is Aussie captain, Tricky Daunting, or as my little brother used to call him (back when he, my brother, not Daunting, was little), Pinky Pointing, sending a secret message to the Australian Cricket Operations Center, requesting for a replacement space age cricket bat-tlegun. Now, all is fair in love and war, right? So what the fuck were those dirty Poms cribbing about?

Gandguly Threatens Her-Fan Fat-Anne

2005-10-13T09:13:00.000+08:00

Shiiiiit. Seems like Soreass Gaandguly is really pissed off with Pathan here. Our stump microphone picked this up for you:
SG: Yo, you fucking Mullah. You wanna be dropped like Mohammed Kaif, your terrorshit bro?
IP: That's uncalled for, Gaandguly Daddoo (as in Praying Mantis, not Grandpaw).
SG: Well Fat-Anne, if you don't stop stealing the limelight from me, I'm gonna dob on you. And Uncle Mugmoan Dolmio's gonna give you the boot, OKAY?
IP: *sobs*
Don't cry Fat-Anne. You're India's only hope.

Soreass Gaandguly Experiences the Dreaded "Wanker's Wrist".

2005-10-09T09:39:00.000+08:00

Taking a cue from The Prodigy single, "Funky Shit", the Indian team was heard chanting,
"OH MY GOD IT'S THE WANKER'S WRIST!!".

Growl Rabid is seen soothing Gaandguly, whilst Coach Chappal is blasting him over not using his own wrist enough to wank himself, hence causing it to weaken considerably. Bloody Nagma.

Eco-friendly Recycler, Brenda Say-Dag

2005-10-08T06:15:00.000+08:00

Observer A) I had a vision this morning. A vision of Morarji Desai. And I asked him, "Morarji, why did you banish Coca Cola from India". To which he replied, "Because I wanted to inculcate the spirit of recycling your own body waste and drinking a carbonated version of it, to avoid our dependence on American MNCs, which would help reverse the trade balance in our favor". Fair enough, Pisserji. No wonder you never won the Nobel Prize for Economics.

Anyway, so up above, we have this player (I mean, advertisement actor) from the Indian cricket team, who has banished energy drinks (but not empty energy drink bottles, since he believes in recycling First World plastic) from his diet, to become the Prime Minister of the Indian cricket team. Yes, it is your beloved dehati, over-rated pinch-hitter, Mr. Virender Sehwag, who is telling Coach Chappall, "firangi saaley, botal bhar ke aata hoon".

Observer B) Crappy Indian and World XI batsman, Virender Sehwag tries some Victoria Bitter in a Gatorade bottle, hoping to escape being discplined (for drinking), and to revive his perenially sagging form. Veeru was overheard saying "Australia kya bakwaas desh hai yaar - ek bhi daaru ka theka nahin hai yahan". Bottleshop, Veeru, bottleshop.

Does Dodger Madeira Have Too Much Money?

2005-10-04T09:41:00.000+08:00

A hiatus from cricket...
Observer A) Supposedly charismatic ATP world #1 male tennis player, Dodger Madeira has gone to the extent of getting boob implants to be ahead of the pack in terms of popularity. Also visible through that pretty shirt are Dodger's multiple nipples. Freak of nature.

Observer B) Roger Federer complains of sagging, aching boobies after being defeated by the other booby wonder, Anna Kournikova. (Wow, she won a match?)

If you're wondering, Observer A and B are both me - maybe I should change the tagging to "Observation" - but then the blog wouldn't sound professional and collaborative enough. Teamwork is of the essence in world sport - and who'd know it better than me?!

Donkey Rides Ntini

2005-10-02T09:29:00.000+08:00

Observer A) After making an ass out of the whole world (especially the South African judiciary), in his little-publicised ostrich-rape case, South African bowler Makhaya Ntini is seen with his long-lost brother, Donk.E Ntini. Mr. Donk. E doesn't seem too pleased with the fact that he's being photographed with a convicted rapist. Neither would you be. Would you?

I think I need to cover other sports, because cricket is getting on my nerves. We need some girls around this part of the webbed world. :-( Yes, lets make fun of the Lesbian PGA.

Observer B) Serial rapist, Papaya Ntini is captured indulging in ritual bestiality and sodomy. Houston, we have a problem.

Saurav Gandguly - Viagra Tiagra - err, Tiger, (Royal Bengal)

2005-09-30T10:14:00.000+08:00

Observer A) Saurav Gandguly punches the living daylights out of his pint-sized twinkie. On a related note, am I glad I'm not Saurav's penis or what!

At a later interview, Gandguly had this to say to us:
SG: Before this game, Nagma asked me to step down as her lover, because I had not been performing in bed for a while. To get back at me, Coach Greg Chappall poisoned my Patiala peg with Viagra he stole from a Ugandan woman in remote Siberia. But, I had the last word, as my hard-on proved to the the wide world of sport (eat your heart out, Richie Bhenchod). I even have physio Gloster's report on my ability to have erections. Uncle MugMoan Dolmio (who leads a secret life as a bottle of pasta sauce when he's not pretending to run the world of cricket) will attest to this, since I serviced him myself this moaning - uh morning.

Doesn't Indian cricket just make you feel so warm and fuzzy?

Observer B) This picture of Stirrup Jhaantgilly doing the "Tribal Dance" (see lyrics below) affirms media reports of tribalism in the Indian camp.
"Feel the force, this is your chance
To get control and do the tribal dance
People started dancing a long time ago
The bass was fast, but then again it was slow
Soul, house, hip-hop and blues
It doesn't really matter which music you choose
Start up a dance this is your chance
To come with me and do the tribal dance!"

Michael Vaughan Gets Shot At With Donkey-Piss Canons by Crazed and Disillusioned Indo-Aussie Fans

2005-09-29T10:26:00.000+08:00

Observer A) After ManBrew GlintOff's shocking revelation that psychopathic Indian fans tried killing him with plastic (get a LIFE GlintOff - the only pellets you get in India are made out of COWDUNG) pellets whilst he was patrolling one of the boundaries (why would you ever do that? No Indian batsman hits a ball beyond the inner circle, mate), here's what Google found for us - Cycle Con (or whatever his surname rhymes with) is getting shot at with donkey-piss canons by crazed Australian born Indian fans, who want revenge for the twin Indian and Australian defeats the Pommie poofs subjected their teams to.
Observer B) Unable to control his excitement, spastic English captain, Michael Vaughan manages to hurt himself with the Ashes trophy. Ouch.

You're Such A Shane In The Ass

2005-09-28T10:14:00.000+08:00

Shane Warne grills some of the excess flab from his stomach and buttocks, and pours authentic Aussie beer over those chunks of pure human fat to say goodbye to his former meaty self. I love that Haitian touch, and the focus on healthy eating. Go Warney!

SharkFin TenderCurd, Bat Yourself Out of THIS Soup!

2005-09-27T10:02:00.000+08:00

Observer A) My local Chinese restaurateur, in an effort to please an irate and impatient customer like me, brought me a free serving of SharkFin TenderCurd soup. Sans the damaged elbow, of course.
Observer B) SuckChin Candlenerd IS participating in the Souper Series!

Hashish Nehra Sticks it Out For The Trainer

2005-09-27T09:48:00.000+08:00

Now, I know I've overdone the gay jokes, but that's as far as my creativity goes. In the photograph above, Hashish Nehra, famous Indian cricketer and druggieboy, with mysterious "aches in the buttock" is seen ummm "training" under the able guidance of some firangi dude.

The Vicious Side Of Copyright Law. Ouch.

2005-09-27T05:34:00.000+08:00

Muralitharan threatens Murali Karthik with a copyright case and a broken head- there can only be one spinner called Murali in world cricket.
MM: Abhey, Kookaburra ball khopdi par maaroon kya chappantikli?

Cricket and Gay Rights

2005-09-27T05:24:00.000+08:00

Victories strengthen relationships between players. Here are my favorite English bowlers, Ashley Giles and Simon Jones.
SJ : "You're the bestest husband in the world, Ashley".
AG : "I love you too Simon - uh Simone".
SJ : "I'm not Mrs. Warne, Ashley!"
AG : "No darling, you're prettier."
SJ : "And you're a better spinner than Shane, sweety".
*Sigh*. Love is blind.

Fierce Gandguly Bitch: Herbie Dancing Proves She Still Has the Doosra in her Repertoire

2005-09-26T13:32:00.000+08:00

OMG! Its Herbie Dancing's dreaded DOOSRA. Muralitharan, saaley kallu, rasta naap.

Saurav Gandguly, Very Vussy Southie Laxman, and Herbie Dancing

2005-09-26T00:39:00.000+08:00

Look mommie, its Gandguly and his merry band of overachieving, fitter than the fittest, cricketing legend wannabes.

Mohammed Azharuddin Gets Back To The Basics

2005-09-25T14:41:00.000+08:00

Azhar returns to the back alleys of Cyberabad, and terrorizes young kids with his own take on batting effectively - for bookies.

Excerpt from a related interview:
CTT: Why were you guiding the ball on to your stumps?
A Jharoo Deen: I want to make sure that when I return to the team, I can get out without looking too suspicious.
CTT: And why would you want to get out?
A Jharoo Deen: Are you dumb or what? The Indian team doesn't win any tournaments - the only way for us is to excel at what we do, to maintain our form. And that's about LOSING MATCHES. I need to make sure I can feed Sangeeta imported caviar tomorrow, okay? Don't try to teach me how to run my finances.