Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Saurav Ganguly Joins Rahul Dravid For A Training Session

Saurav Goonguly with Rahul Dropit

The goonda of the Indian cricket team, Saurav Goonguly trains with his successor, Rahul Dropit, prior to the Indo-Porkistan series. The song being played in the background is Snoop Dogg's "Drop Him He's On Pot".

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Ex Pakistan Cricket Captain and Pace Bowler, Wasim Akram Kills Two Birds With One Stone

Wasim Akram and Ajay Jadeja at some press conference. Yes, please yawn.

The other day, former Porkistani paceman, match-fixer and captain, Wasim Fulcrum, who is also the face of that famous brand of sub-continental bleaching cream, 'Fare and Chubbily' was heard making claims about the ICC being racially biased. Seen here is Fulcrum with former Indian match-fixer, the blue-blooded, well-connected Ajay Jadeja, who was one of the many cricketers who started bleaching their faeces, taking a cue (and free samples) from Wasim Bhai.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Andrew Symonds Goes Wacko For Schmackos!

Michael Clarke Congratulates Andrew Symonds On Another Brilliant One Day Innings in NZ, Dec 2005

Observer A) I've seen cricketers endorse everthing from car tyres to birth control pills - okay, maybe not the pill. But this - this is INHUMAN, literally. Seen above is the little boy of the Aussie cricket side, Michael Clarke, petting Andrew Symonds, Australia's best one day cricket player, who is playing a canine in the new Schmackos pet food advertisement. Notice Clarke's innocent-little-boy-glee at his doggie standing upright, even as Symonds is delighted to be fed Schmackos 'strapz'.

I ask you, is there no end to this advertising tomfoolery?

Observer B) Andrew Symonds is rewarded by his jubilant and youthful master, Michal Clarke, for another brilliant performance on the field with the tastiest dog snack in Australia - Schmackos!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Ajit Agarcar, Indian Cricketing Passenger Seeks A Lift Or A New Profession

Ajit Agarkar, wandering aimlessly on the streets of uh..some city

Observer A)
Lethal Indian paceman, Ajit Agarcar is trying to stop a car, so he can get a lift back home.

Observer B)
After being unceremoniously (what do you want next? functions to commemorate the axing of a player from the cricket squad?) dumped by the Indian cricket selectors for the 435645th time in a month, Ajit Magarcar (That's croco-motive [ala` cyborgs], for the uninitiated) is undergoing vocational training as a traffic policeman. Because he's out of a job, he couldn't afford to pay for the new uniform. We thought bringing his plight to your notice might evoke the Mother Terrorsa in you.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Makhaya Ntini, Move Over

Gotta admit, South African rapist, and part-time bowler, Papaya Ntini bowled exceptionally well at the WACA today, which isn't far from my office. How sad is it that my boss didn't beg me to go watch the match instead of sitting in office and wasting my day away on bloody work.

Seen here is Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting, or Ponting, "The Daunting" as he's proving to be. Pace bowlers don't scare him, no sir.

Ricky Ponting ducks for cover when he spots a giant South African cockroach on the WACA grounds this morning.

But puny little cockroaches are another matter altogether, as we discovered from his see-through pants, and the, umm, little yellow spot down, uh, there. I'm having my dinner man, can you not talk about excreta or cow-dung for once. :-@

Also, I would like to state here that I, or my fellow cows are not related to Buffalo Wings, right? Cow Tse Tung's Sporting Wingettes are perfectly healthy alternatives to health-food, unlike buffalo wings.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Administering Cricket, S&M Style

Ehsan Mani, Fetishist ICC President
Aussie cricket captain, Ricky Ponting wasn't amused when Ehsan Mani threatened to whip the South African and Australian teams if they dared misbehave on the field this Test series.

I fully support fining Graeme Smith for as much as setting foot on the field, when he should be away in a mental institution, having kinky gay sex with Andre Nel. C'mon, the straitjackets are more than just what you think they are.

PS: Don't miss out this month's X-Mas Hellfire do in Sydney, Mr. Mani. You would fit right in with your sexy attire and manner.

Disco Kumble Teaches The Sri Lankans A Thing Or Two About Dancing!

Anil Kumble celebrates his 6 wicket haul against the Dilmah Cricket Club, uh Sri Lankan team. 12.12.2005.
This picture was taken by our Staff Deporter, in an exclusive Delhi nightclub. Pictured, and narrated in order of importance is John Travolta's babe from Saturday Night Fever, high quality Yamaha amplifiers, and fancy disco lights, besides the fantastic dance floor. Oh, and we also have Indian cricketer and leg-spinning, medium-pace bowler, Anil Kumble, or (Anal Crumbly, as some like to call him) shaking his booty after taking 6 Sri Lankan wickets in the second Test at Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi. If you're wondering what song he's dancing to, its called "Saala Zenana", a famous Bollywood disco tune from the 70s.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Some Glib And Some Not So Glib Criminal Masterminds

The very glib South African cricketer, Herschelle Gibbs, with his evil twin, Dr umm EVIL! (source: FBI)
Herschelle Gibbs is a marked man these days. First, the Indian police wants him. Now, he's showing up on Interpol Most Wanted lists with his evil twin and perennial Austin Powers nemesis, Dr. Evil.

Ex South African coach, Ray Jennings had this to say, when we asked him to comment on the situation: "Looks can be deceptive. Herschelle is more glib and daft than he looks. Give the poor kid a break."

Friday, December 09, 2005

Andrew Flintoff, Yer Such A Diva!

Observer A) Rather than get a good night's sleep before England's ODI game against Porkistan on Monday mourning, Andrew Flintoff will be UP on Sunday night, awaiting news from major media outlet, BB Singh on whether he is the Personality-free Sportsman of the Year.

A piece of advice for you mate - it doesn't pay to be a diva all the time.

Observer B) Opera singer Jon Christos reveals that Andrew Flintoff, who he will coach at singing, would give up cricket for his other passion....
"He said he would trade it all in to do what I do. He's very passionate about singing, so I said, 'Let's get together'. He's a big karaoke man and he loves crooning."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Direction Indian Cricket Is Headed Towards...

There have been numerous articles on Indian cricket's demise, Australian coach Greg Chappell's Nazi tactics with the players, and of course, Chappell's middle finger gesture to the Calcutta crowd (which has been termed by Jagadish of Cricket 24x7 as Hooghligans - that was genuinely funny, ADMIT IT).

Well, a source sent us this poster, from BCCI's forthcoming media onslaught, which clearly defines where Indian cricket is headed, denies that Chappell is a Nazi, and explains exactly why Chappell's inflated middle finger was sticking out of a bus window. Yes, you guessed it right - it's a seasonal condition, genetic, I might add. And no, it was NOT elephantiasis, as previously speculated.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Are The Poms Mama's Boys?

Pommy-mommy-lovin' bowler, Mutt-ewww Hughard waves to his mommy, even as Insta-mom-Ul-Hug, aka Aaloo, or Bhaloo wonders why he wasn't good enough for Hug-hard.
Isn't Matthew Hoggard the perfect child? :-O

Oh, and my most gracious moos to Patrix, over at DesiPunkdit, for featuring this blog on the *sobs* index page *sobs* (I know, I know - blogs have mainly index pages :-@, but we got featured, so pay them a visit and say DANKE).

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Bitch Report - Complaints About Unhelpful Indian Groundsmen

Insider sources, such as ants, grasshoppers, and locusts have told us that the groundsman over in Chennai refused to accede to the demands of the Indian skipper, Growl Rabid, to make the pitch more Indian-bowling-attack-friendly, by placing pace-enhancers and turn-accelerators (top secret ISRO research on cricket led to the development of these technologies) under it, and activating them only when the Sri Lankans were batting.

Rabid is then said to have requested the Indian government to import Shahid Afridi, a demand that was turned down, because India does not believe in importing humans, primarily because feeding the billion-and-one-th man will prove to be a hard task.

Indian secret service, RAW thought they could kidnap Afridi, but Pakistan's ISI has proved to be smarter than them, and that's not just a recent thing. Rabid then exercised his last option - consulting with key Indian gurus like the spirit of Osho Rajneesh's pet iguana. This particular holy ghost presented a solution, which led to Rabid making a formal request to the Indian government to confer on Afridi the greatest honor known to mankind - an honorary Indian citizenship, and a passport that is better than the best toilet paper you have ever used. Will it work? Only time will tell.

Friday, December 02, 2005

It All Started Over A Bottle of Pepsi...

Tendulkar and Dravid fight it out over the Indian captaincy and a bottle of Pepsi Cola
Sharkfin Tendulkar vs. Growl Rabid. Kabbadi Style Fe Di Rudeboy. And I must tell you, if I ever catch you spelling "THE" as "DI", and you're not a Rasta, I will whack you with a fucking cricket bat.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Arrey Diwano, Mujhe Pehchano, "Hay Homie, R E C O G N I Z E"

Former Indian cricket captain, Saurav GanCoolie, Prince of Calcutta Railway Station Coolie Association. Reminds me of a Flaming Lips song, "Bad Days".

You’re sorta stuck where you are
But, in your dreams you can buy expensive cars,
Or live on mars
And have it your way

And you hate your boss at your job
Well in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams
Show no mercy