Flake IPL Players

Man, so much for liberty, equality and fraternity. This Fake IPL dude writes funnier shit than me. And, he's got insider info on IPL - works for me, because my pubes are out of control. WTF? There goes equality out of the cricketing satire window. Then there's the perplexing matter of whether Mandira Baby IS the Deep Throat, or whether Mandira GIVES Deep Throat? Is that even propah grammar? Who cares - IPL is a form of cricket followed by illiterate Indians anyway. Preserve your Queen's for a tougher day.

Anyway, who cares who this dude is, as long as he makes an ass of himself, or gives us a tidbit or two to chuckle over. I am annoyed with the nicknames he gives players though - they're too - ummm - KOSHER! My list of alternative nicknames for IPL personalities:

• John Buchanan (Bhooka Naan): Duke Canon would've been my name - coz he's a gun coach. And the world can kiss my chaddhis for all I care - Buck is God.
  
• Saurav Ganguly (Lord Almighty): WTF? What kinda insult is Lord Almighty meant to be? Huh? I reckon Soreass ManBully is more vicious, AND also that the ass-raiding crybaby is this Fake IPL Player himself.
• Kevin Pietersen (Peter Ka Beta): BORING!!!! Cave-In (under pressure) Cheaterson.
• Shane Warne (Sheikh of Tweak): Is this a take on Sultan of Swing? YAWN! Mane Yawn. Coz he's all about his fake hair, and he puts me to sleep with his wannabe bad-boy antics, only to end up at the Allan Border medal with his sweet daughter.
  
• Shantakumar Sreesanth (Appam Chutiya): Okay, in true populist style, you coin a nickname with a swear word, and India's low IQed population goes, "brilliant, why didn't I think of that?". Being an Indian cow, but with a trace of Jersey blood in me, I'd go with FreeCanth (rhyming with CUNT). On second thoughts, Appam Chutiya sounds better.
  
• Mandira Bedi (Sandy Something Babe): Sandy? Who wants a SANDY babe? I say, Randy-RRRR Bebi

Well, that's about all my bovine brain can handle at this stage. I leave you with Crybaby Breakdancer, Freecunt and Sho Ape Fuckthar, comparing notes on penis size, and how to create illusions of crotchly grandeur by means of wearing your sister's skin-tight jeans.

Pakistan Cricket's Never Ending Romance With Sex, Drugs, and Sushi Rolls

Mate, as me, and Elton John (and you'll see in a moment why Elton is so critical to this post) always say, back when we were young warthogs, did Imran Khan have the time of his life or what! Not only did he ummm, screw the Jew (Jewmima Goldsmith, distant relative of Shylock the money-lender), but he also managed to play good, hard cricket under the influence. We can't go into any details of what this "influence" refers to, but hey, you're as smart as I am, so go figure.

Then there was Wasim FuckRum. The man with the shortest run-up for a pace bowler. I always thought he had a lovely wife, and a great marriage, until I heard this on the radio a few weeks back, on the Hamish and Andy show (92.9 FM in Perth, or podcast-able online):

Hamish and Andy: So what celebrity have you pashed AFTER they were famous?Random female caller: I pashed Wasim Akram, the Porkistani cricketer, about 2 years back.

And take my word for it, Wasim's wifey don't have no Aussie accent, mate.

Anyway, so after all these sex scandals involving Pakistani cricketers, I wasn't very surprised when I saw this picture on Cricinfo.com:



Yes, that's the disgraced drug-implicated Porkistani fast bowler, Shoaib Chuck-thar, with physio, Darryn Lifson, in what they're saying is a physiotherapy session. NO, they're not trying to pump out drugs from Shoaib. And they are definitely not indulging in sodomy. That kinda shit is looked down upon in Porkistan, despite the million and one cases of gay rape that occur there. No sir, we do not condone such behaviour. Which is why we had to "ban" Shoaib from cricket for 2 years. The problem wasn't drug related - the problem was that he was becoming too addicted to carnal indulgences with Caucasian men. Just like Imran, except for his sexuality. I mean, at least Imran picked feminine White men like that transvestite, Jemima Goldsmith.

What I'm kinda disappointed about is that Shoaib isn't the manly, controling stud I thought he was - instead, as we can see from his facial expressions, he quite enjoys being the bitch. Damn bottom.