Who Needs Comedies When We Have Cricket?

Hey kids, turn off your toons.Hey adults, turn off your sitcoms, skits, and whathaveyous.
Cricket is 360 degree entertainment now.

On Thursday, Missus Cow Tse Tung, who's not really a cow, but can be one when she's in a not-so-good mood took me to Youtube and showed me the real reason (and it definitely was bronchitis) why Brett Lee missed the first ODI game of the Commonwealth Bank (DIE CBA DIE) series against that pitiful excuse for a cricket team, England. Yessir, the bitter truth was exposed to me, right before our season-opening one-dayer. Twat Lee was away, in quest of Liz Kemp, Mark Deux, in tandem with matchmaker, and screechy BollyWoof bitch, Ass-uh Boo-Sleigh (post-Christmas carol time). It was possibly the worst romantic number I have ever heard in my life, and I think even Medusa would turn down Adonis were he to serenade her with a song like this.



Yo Brett, if you sing shitty songs like this, I'm not too shocked you end up with bronchitis. Even pests and bacteria and bugs find tracks like that highly annoying. First, you have INXS, who come up with a classy Indo-Aussie vid...and then Twat Lee And Asha Bhosle wreck it all.

Then, on Friday, I came back from work, hoping to see England put up a decent fight against the Aussies, but what do I get to see? Reports of Mcgrath breaking Pietersen's ribs. The stupid fuck was giving McGrath the charge AGAIN, and this time, he got what he's deserved for over a month now. If you thought that was enough, no sir. You had to watch England's innings. Flintoff, first over, gives wides I can't even keep a count of. The keeper, Paul Nixon - no relation to my idol and fellow slimeball, Richard Nixon - freaking dives AFTER the ball has passed him. No worries matey. You can still redeem yourself yet.

What do I see next? A magic fumble. The keeper is looking at say 5 ft height, when the ball strikes him a bit above his pads. Ouch.

OKAY! Still no worries...what could go worse?

Next on, as I await that great redemption, what does Nixon go and do? He dives in front of first slip, trying to take the ball, but instead ensures Australia get a 4 off yet another Flintoff wide.

Seems like Panesar didn't want to be left out of the fun. He's my favorite cricketer these days, and that's mainly coz he's such a simpleton. I love his no-frills, no ego, competitive attitude. What I can't get is his fielding. First up, he nearly trips Sajid Mahmood as they head back to their positions after saving a boundary, and then, instead of going for a catch, like a true Indian, he waits for the ball to bounce, lest he injure his dainty hands. You're an international cricketer - try and convert those half-chances. Catching the ball won't hurt that much. ARGH! I take back my ARGH, actually - it reminded me of people I played cricket with as a kid, and how me, being Jonty Rhodes incarnate, or thereabouts, going, "the ball's not gonna eat ya, pussy. Get your paws to EAT ze BALL". No double entendre, please.

Nuff' said. I turned the TV off after a hearty, healthy laugh, and went back to listen to my favorite new song...Asha Bhosle featuring Brett Lee in "You Are The One For Me". Disgusting.

I dare you to watch it right here, right now, and disagree with my assessment...and don't stone me for putting this up - curries are actually buying enough copies of the single to make it a chartbuster back in my former motherland.

Pakistan Cricket's Never Ending Romance With Sex, Drugs, and Sushi Rolls

Mate, as me, and Elton John (and you'll see in a moment why Elton is so critical to this post) always say, back when we were young warthogs, did Imran Khan have the time of his life or what! Not only did he ummm, screw the Jew (Jewmima Goldsmith, distant relative of Shylock the money-lender), but he also managed to play good, hard cricket under the influence. We can't go into any details of what this "influence" refers to, but hey, you're as smart as I am, so go figure.

Then there was Wasim FuckRum. The man with the shortest run-up for a pace bowler. I always thought he had a lovely wife, and a great marriage, until I heard this on the radio a few weeks back, on the Hamish and Andy show (92.9 FM in Perth, or podcast-able online):

Hamish and Andy: So what celebrity have you pashed AFTER they were famous?Random female caller: I pashed Wasim Akram, the Porkistani cricketer, about 2 years back.

And take my word for it, Wasim's wifey don't have no Aussie accent, mate.

Anyway, so after all these sex scandals involving Pakistani cricketers, I wasn't very surprised when I saw this picture on Cricinfo.com:



Yes, that's the disgraced drug-implicated Porkistani fast bowler, Shoaib Chuck-thar, with physio, Darryn Lifson, in what they're saying is a physiotherapy session. NO, they're not trying to pump out drugs from Shoaib. And they are definitely not indulging in sodomy. That kinda shit is looked down upon in Porkistan, despite the million and one cases of gay rape that occur there. No sir, we do not condone such behaviour. Which is why we had to "ban" Shoaib from cricket for 2 years. The problem wasn't drug related - the problem was that he was becoming too addicted to carnal indulgences with Caucasian men. Just like Imran, except for his sexuality. I mean, at least Imran picked feminine White men like that transvestite, Jemima Goldsmith.

What I'm kinda disappointed about is that Shoaib isn't the manly, controling stud I thought he was - instead, as we can see from his facial expressions, he quite enjoys being the bitch. Damn bottom.