Cricket is 360 degree entertainment now.
On Thursday, Missus Cow Tse Tung, who's not really a cow, but can be one when she's in a not-so-good mood took me to Youtube and showed me the real reason (and it definitely was bronchitis) why Brett Lee missed the first ODI game of the Commonwealth Bank (DIE CBA DIE) series against that pitiful excuse for a cricket team, England. Yessir, the bitter truth was exposed to me, right before our season-opening one-dayer. Twat Lee was away, in quest of Liz Kemp, Mark Deux, in tandem with matchmaker, and screechy BollyWoof bitch, Ass-uh Boo-Sleigh (post-Christmas carol time). It was possibly the worst romantic number I have ever heard in my life, and I think even Medusa would turn down Adonis were he to serenade her with a song like this.
Yo Brett, if you sing shitty songs like this, I'm not too shocked you end up with bronchitis. Even pests and bacteria and bugs find tracks like that highly annoying. First, you have INXS, who come up with a classy Indo-Aussie vid...and then Twat Lee And Asha Bhosle wreck it all.
Then, on Friday, I came back from work, hoping to see England put up a decent fight against the Aussies, but what do I get to see? Reports of Mcgrath breaking Pietersen's ribs. The stupid fuck was giving McGrath the charge AGAIN, and this time, he got what he's deserved for over a month now. If you thought that was enough, no sir. You had to watch England's innings. Flintoff, first over, gives wides I can't even keep a count of. The keeper, Paul Nixon - no relation to my idol and fellow slimeball, Richard Nixon - freaking dives AFTER the ball has passed him. No worries matey. You can still redeem yourself yet.
What do I see next? A magic fumble. The keeper is looking at say 5 ft height, when the ball strikes him a bit above his pads. Ouch.
OKAY! Still no worries...what could go worse?
Next on, as I await that great redemption, what does Nixon go and do? He dives in front of first slip, trying to take the ball, but instead ensures Australia get a 4 off yet another Flintoff wide.
Seems like Panesar didn't want to be left out of the fun. He's my favorite cricketer these days, and that's mainly coz he's such a simpleton. I love his no-frills, no ego, competitive attitude. What I can't get is his fielding. First up, he nearly trips Sajid Mahmood as they head back to their positions after saving a boundary, and then, instead of going for a catch, like a true Indian, he waits for the ball to bounce, lest he injure his dainty hands. You're an international cricketer - try and convert those half-chances. Catching the ball won't hurt that much. ARGH! I take back my ARGH, actually - it reminded me of people I played cricket with as a kid, and how me, being Jonty Rhodes incarnate, or thereabouts, going, "the ball's not gonna eat ya, pussy. Get your paws to EAT ze BALL". No double entendre, please.
Nuff' said. I turned the TV off after a hearty, healthy laugh, and went back to listen to my favorite new song...Asha Bhosle featuring Brett Lee in "You Are The One For Me". Disgusting.
I dare you to watch it right here, right now, and disagree with my assessment...and don't stone me for putting this up - curries are actually buying enough copies of the single to make it a chartbuster back in my former motherland.
