Barmy Harmy Working On His Fitness

Man, I truly thought Steve Harmison had more to him than he's shown us on this tour. I mean, I've been his fitness trainer for months now. We've been lifting candy floss and flossing our teeth non-stop to prepare for this very Ashes series. And now, our collective dream is in shambles. Damn those Aussies. Let me show you a picture of my beloved Harmy diligently undergoing my acclaimed fitness program for cricketers...



He's NOT busting a cheerleader move. For God's sake, you ignoramuses and hippopotamuses. A song comes to mind..."Candy Perfume Girl" by the evergreen crackhoe, Madonna.



So, on the day that we hear of Shane Warne's definite and Glenn McGrath's tentative retirement plans, what does Steve Harmibum go and do? He announces he's "retiring" from ODIs. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but he's just 28, right? All my years of hard work and toil have gone down the drain. I was hoping Harmy would show some grit and determination, and master the art of ODI bowling. But well...

England, like India is a team that rewards mediocrity, because excellence is unknown, or requires way too much movement away from one's comfort zones. Look at Pakistan. Afridi "retires" from Tests, and he gets dropped from the ODI squad. Gotta earn your stripes son, gotta earn your stripes.

Great Cricketing Minds Stink Alike

Man, after the 2005 Ashes, everybody would go on and on about human beer-cask, Man-brew Glintoff's cricketing genius, and coach Dunkin' Donuts Stretcher's coaching wizardry. I was getting sick of it, until this Ashes series, when the glint off Glintoff's supposed cricketing brilliance wore off. And what made me even happier was Coach Dunkin's team requiring stretchers, after their comprehensive defeats. Very satisfying. Revenge, sweet, revenge.



Anyway, so there have been recent news reports about Coach Dunkin' Donuts and Captain Glint-off not seeing eye to eye on matters as diverse as selection...and ummm...selection. Cases in example are wicketkeeper, Chris Steed, Monty Dancer (not stripper), and whoever else they brought over from England (and they did bring a fair number of players over). This picture clearly proves that the Coach and the Captain have the same thing on their minds - so why all this crap about not thinking alike etc.?

Grunt Moans Bitter In Victoria

I've been really busy playing massive DJ mixes to myself and my goldfish. In the time I've been away, I find that other cricket blogs are now using the same image distortion techniques as myself to try and match my notoriety. Look mates, cricket blogs are meant to be dignified, with this one being the sole exception to the case. Cow Tse Tung very angry. But that's another story for another day.

Today, we see England's extraordinarily ordinary wicket-keeper, Grunt Moans, in his new role as beer-keeper for the Barmy Army. His luck has finally run out on him, as has Coach Dunkin' Stretcher. So, as he watches the English squad prepare for the 4th Ashes Test, Geraint, bitter in Victoria, holds a Victoria Bitter (possibly the worst tasting beer on Earth, excuse my patriotism). I'd distort and twist and make even more fun of Geraint Jones' name, but I don't really know how to pronounce it. Ignorance is bliss and a whole let less work w.r.t. compiling posts like this.

Hey Ho Nuts, Meet Dunkin' Donuts

Copyright infringement. ??
No sir.



Right. So this is English cricket coach Duncan Fletcher. We've brought you many fake tales about him, and here's another one to add to your collection...

After the English cricket team's dismal performance in India, the coach not only received death threats from some Anglo Indian septuagenarians, but was also unceremoniously dismissed by the ECB. Left with no alternative, or job, his mortgage spiraling out of control, little Duncan was left with no choice but to take to the streets - playing street-ball. I mean, it was almost like destiny had come full circle - Dunkin Fetcher was finally who he was named to be - a top notch hoopster.

Duncan's A Special Chai-ld

Seen here are English bowler I Am FlunkItt and coach Jhankaar Stretcher, trying out a new magic potion - CHAI TEA - to revive the sagging spirits of England's One Day cricket team.

Now, I have more than one complaint here.
- First off, CHAI=TEA=CHAI (chai=tea in HINDI), so WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS CHAI TEA? Its like saying, ummm "Hi, Hello", or, "Water Pani".
- Cricinfo has a new "caption this picture" contest. What fucking copycats. Okay, I get some really neat pics off these guys, but I don't steal their ideas. On another note, it might not be that bad - on a site like that, they can't afford to be as rude and outrageous as we can.
I forgot what the last one was, but I do have the Duncan's Special Chai story...
A long time ago, when I was a young warthog, I used to watch BoreDarshan, India's state-owned, state-sponsored, propaganda machine, and television channel, where this one really annoying ad jingle was that of...you guessed it...Duncan's Special Chai. I think they wanted to say "Duncan's A Special Chai-ld"...

Michael Yawn, English Cricket Captain

There is talk of English cricket captain, Michael Vaughan and his band of merry umm cricketers being better prepared than ever to conquer the final frontier - ennui. Coach Duncan Fletcher has come up with the perfect solution - spending your day on simulation games and porn sites.