Why Animal Lovers Should Support Cricket...

Disclaimer: This is a pubic service massage.
Here is Kevin.
Kevin Pietersen.
He is a rare cocksucker cockatoo from remote South Africa who was brought over to England because of his uncanny ability as a battyboybatsman. A birdie batsman, you might ask? Yes, as long as you're not a duck, you're in luck.




Watch cricket. Save endangered species like Kevin, the cocksucker "Cockatoo" Pietersen.

Zero G Bopara, and Paul Nixon, the Great Anchor

As you can tell, Cow Tse Tung isn't the happiest chappy around, after Australia's dismal losses to the Pommies and the Kiwi. No more Pom jokes. I'll even spare the sheepfuckers. And definitely no Aussie players on this blog for a while. Yes. Aussie cricket boycott.



Right, first, we see the supposedly athletically challenged Monty Panesar, on cloud nine. Paul Nixon tries to emulate the new Flying Sikh (with all due respect to the real Flying Sikh, Milkha Singh) but fails miserably. 'White men can't jump', they say. Also, this might be because of the "heavy water" within Nixon. As you can see, he is clearly a Chernobyl survivor. His teeth say it all in the above picture. He's like a beacon behind the stumps, guiding the bowlers using his neon glow.



But this guy Nixon, he might be a shit batsman and a radioactive freak, yet is a great motivator. He's utilizing the Indian connection to the maximum, as next on, another player of Indian origin, Ravi Bopara is caught defying gravity, and Nixon seems to be the driving force behind him. The roles have reversed. The Indians are seeking spiritual guidance from the West, and gurus like Nixon are helping us curries levitate. ARGH. I don't find any humor in cricket since Australia lost. Sobs. Goodbye pretty world.

What?! The Pakis Wanna Blow Daryl Harper?

Man, tell you what - this cricket series between England and Pakistan has been really bitter. But Daryl Harper, he's a man who believes in equality, and doesn't judge Pakis by their color, beliefs, fundamentalism, or sexual perversions. Or maybe he does, because he thinks the Mullah wants to perform fellatio on him. Do I blame him for this stereotyping?

The Fearful Sajid Mahmood! (Abdul Razzaq, duck for cover!)

Need I say more?

Hey Ho Nuts, Meet Dunkin' Donuts

Copyright infringement. ??
No sir.



Right. So this is English cricket coach Duncan Fletcher. We've brought you many fake tales about him, and here's another one to add to your collection...

After the English cricket team's dismal performance in India, the coach not only received death threats from some Anglo Indian septuagenarians, but was also unceremoniously dismissed by the ECB. Left with no alternative, or job, his mortgage spiraling out of control, little Duncan was left with no choice but to take to the streets - playing street-ball. I mean, it was almost like destiny had come full circle - Dunkin Fetcher was finally who he was named to be - a top notch hoopster.

Duncan's A Special Chai-ld

Seen here are English bowler I Am FlunkItt and coach Jhankaar Stretcher, trying out a new magic potion - CHAI TEA - to revive the sagging spirits of England's One Day cricket team.

Now, I have more than one complaint here.
- First off, CHAI=TEA=CHAI (chai=tea in HINDI), so WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS CHAI TEA? Its like saying, ummm "Hi, Hello", or, "Water Pani".
- Cricinfo has a new "caption this picture" contest. What fucking copycats. Okay, I get some really neat pics off these guys, but I don't steal their ideas. On another note, it might not be that bad - on a site like that, they can't afford to be as rude and outrageous as we can.
I forgot what the last one was, but I do have the Duncan's Special Chai story...
A long time ago, when I was a young warthog, I used to watch BoreDarshan, India's state-owned, state-sponsored, propaganda machine, and television channel, where this one really annoying ad jingle was that of...you guessed it...Duncan's Special Chai. I think they wanted to say "Duncan's A Special Chai-ld"...

Michael Yawn, English Cricket Captain

There is talk of English cricket captain, Michael Vaughan and his band of merry umm cricketers being better prepared than ever to conquer the final frontier - ennui. Coach Duncan Fletcher has come up with the perfect solution - spending your day on simulation games and porn sites.

Andrew Flintoff, Yer Such A Diva!

Observer A) Rather than get a good night's sleep before England's ODI game against Porkistan on Monday mourning, Andrew Flintoff will be UP on Sunday night, awaiting news from major media outlet, BB Singh on whether he is the Personality-free Sportsman of the Year.

A piece of advice for you mate - it doesn't pay to be a diva all the time.

Observer B) Opera singer Jon Christos reveals that Andrew Flintoff, who he will coach at singing, would give up cricket for his other passion....
"He said he would trade it all in to do what I do. He's very passionate about singing, so I said, 'Let's get together'. He's a big karaoke man and he loves crooning."

Are The Poms Mama's Boys?

Isn't Matthew Hoggard the perfect child? :-O

Oh, and my most gracious moos to Patrix, over at DesiPunkdit, for featuring this blog on the *sobs* index page *sobs* (I know, I know - blogs have mainly index pages :-@, but we got featured, so pay them a visit and say DANKE).

The Strange Case of 'Butterfingers' Pietersen

Observer A) Here is pretty white boy, Kevin Cheaterson who couldn't take competition from under-nourished, aspiring Black cricketers in South Africa, resulting in him moving to England. It is said that a patriotic South African bitch-doctor cast a spell on Cheaterson, causing him to drop more catches than he has held in Test cricket. Seen here is Cheaterson glaring at a footy ball, tossed at him by Coach Duncan Fletcher, wondering what the coach wants him to do with it. Catch, you fuckwit, CATCH IT.

Observer B) If you keep glaring at Caprice's boobies, your catching tally will remain at ZERO-ZILCH-NADA, Cave-in Cheaterson.

Big Baby Flintoff Sleeps in ICC PJs :-O

Well, what do we have here!
Graeme Smith's "big baby", Manbrew Glintoff, sleeps in his bebe-blue ICC pyjamas, holding a cricket bat to ward off witches, ghosts and Aussie predators. How cute :-)
As my Indian fraand would say, "muah Glintu".

Rock a bye Glintoff,
On the Knee of Darren Gough,

When the Wind Blows,
An Aussie wicket will fall...

Michael Vaughan Gets Shot At With Donkey-Piss Canons by Crazed and Disillusioned Indo-Aussie Fans

Observer A) After ManBrew GlintOff's shocking revelation that psychopathic Indian fans tried killing him with plastic (get a LIFE GlintOff - the only pellets you get in India are made out of COWDUNG) pellets whilst he was patrolling one of the boundaries (why would you ever do that? No Indian batsman hits a ball beyond the inner circle, mate), here's what Google found for us - Cycle Con (or whatever his surname rhymes with) is getting shot at with donkey-piss canons by crazed Australian born Indian fans, who want revenge for the twin Indian and Australian defeats the Pommie poofs subjected their teams to.
Observer B) Unable to control his excitement, spastic English captain, Michael Vaughan manages to hurt himself with the Ashes trophy. Ouch.

Cricket and Gay Rights

Victories strengthen relationships between players. Here are my favorite English bowlers, Ashley Giles and Simon Jones.
SJ : "You're the bestest husband in the world, Ashley".
AG : "I love you too Simon - uh Simone".
SJ : "I'm not Mrs. Warne, Ashley!"
AG : "No darling, you're prettier."
SJ : "And you're a better spinner than Shane, sweety".
*Sigh*. Love is blind.