Zero G Bopara, and Paul Nixon, the Great Anchor

As you can tell, Cow Tse Tung isn't the happiest chappy around, after Australia's dismal losses to the Pommies and the Kiwi. No more Pom jokes. I'll even spare the sheepfuckers. And definitely no Aussie players on this blog for a while. Yes. Aussie cricket boycott.



Right, first, we see the supposedly athletically challenged Monty Panesar, on cloud nine. Paul Nixon tries to emulate the new Flying Sikh (with all due respect to the real Flying Sikh, Milkha Singh) but fails miserably. 'White men can't jump', they say. Also, this might be because of the "heavy water" within Nixon. As you can see, he is clearly a Chernobyl survivor. His teeth say it all in the above picture. He's like a beacon behind the stumps, guiding the bowlers using his neon glow.



But this guy Nixon, he might be a shit batsman and a radioactive freak, yet is a great motivator. He's utilizing the Indian connection to the maximum, as next on, another player of Indian origin, Ravi Bopara is caught defying gravity, and Nixon seems to be the driving force behind him. The roles have reversed. The Indians are seeking spiritual guidance from the West, and gurus like Nixon are helping us curries levitate. ARGH. I don't find any humor in cricket since Australia lost. Sobs. Goodbye pretty world.

Of Duntroon and Sandhurst and a Certain General Monty

Pictured above is British cricket star, and spinner par excellence, Monty Panesar, dropping a 100 at the orders of his coach after his umpteenth misfield to background music by The Midfield General, after which a decision was taken by the CTT Bored of Directors to rename him as "The Misfield General". Very apt.

Apple Muralitharan (no relation to Apple Martin)

Did you know that Mutthiah Muralitharan is so dedicated to the art of spin bowling that even his fruit-eating - apples deserve a particular mention here - involves cutters, doosras, flipperzzz (my pet dolphin, who's a celebrity in his own right), and chucking. Sample this...



Here's a Murali anecdote for all you little chucker-wannabes...
Back when I was a famous cricket player, my mother invited Murali over for dinner. So Murali takes a seat, and next thing I know, my mother's upset about his lousy table manners, so much that she starts singing,
"Son, Son, strong and able
Put your elbows off the table".
The guy doesn't get the hint, and starts humming some random Sri Lankan folk song. Like I want to listen to Ceylonese folk songs. Give us a break mate!
And what does Muralitharan go and do next when I ask him to shut the funk up? He complains about racist behaviour from his hosts, i.e. my family. The Sri Lankan board then hires and bribes a poor biomechanics professor from University of Western Australia's renowned sport science department who sends us a 1000 page quasi-thesis on why Murali's arms were on the table, and how he wasn't breaking any established norms, citing a birth defect as the reason for it all.

DARRELL HAIR LONG LIVE.
For telling it like it is.

Dr. Bhajji Lykes Dem Dykes

Pictured here is Indian cricketer and offspinner, Harbhajan Singh, using his superior Krypton-'lite' visionary faculties to test this stereotypical carpet-muncher for breast cancer.

You're Such A Shane In The Ass

Shane Warne grills some of the excess flab from his stomach and buttocks, and pours authentic Aussie beer over those chunks of pure human fat to say goodbye to his former meaty self. I love that Haitian touch, and the focus on healthy eating. Go Warney!

The Vicious Side Of Copyright Law. Ouch.

Muralitharan threatens Murali Karthik with a copyright case and a broken head- there can only be one spinner called Murali in world cricket.
MM: Abhey, Kookaburra ball khopdi par maaroon kya chappantikli?

Cricket and Gay Rights

Victories strengthen relationships between players. Here are my favorite English bowlers, Ashley Giles and Simon Jones.
SJ : "You're the bestest husband in the world, Ashley".
AG : "I love you too Simon - uh Simone".
SJ : "I'm not Mrs. Warne, Ashley!"
AG : "No darling, you're prettier."
SJ : "And you're a better spinner than Shane, sweety".
*Sigh*. Love is blind.

Fierce Gandguly Bitch: Herbie Dancing Proves She Still Has the Doosra in her Repertoire

OMG! Its Herbie Dancing's dreaded DOOSRA. Muralitharan, saaley kallu, rasta naap.