Who Wants Kookaburra When You Can Have A Crystal Ball?

Pictured above are Anil Kumble, who works really hard on his bowling, and his hence a consistent performer, and Sachin Tendulkar, who's too busy doing other stuff, and hence only manages a decent performance every 10 matches or thereabouts. Seen here is Tendulkar consulting a crystal ball to gauge his chances at the 2007 Cricket World Cup in the West Indies. Before you pass judgment on him, remember - Tendulkar wasn't very well educated, since he was too busy scoring ducks in international cricket. Scoring ducks, you heard me right. Some like the sheep (Fleming, Oram?), but some just love the ducks. Peking duck, Peeping Tom....ah, brings back some old memories.

But yeah, as I was braying, this guy's so dumb that he still can't tell "the" golden goose from a not-so-golden duck.

All You People Don't Believe, In Di Ah We Got De Bob Sled Team

Yeh kids, 'tis common knowledge Cow Tse Tung is a closeted, marijuana smoking Rastafarian. Why rasta? 'Coz cannabis ain't sinful dis way mon.

Now since I waste all my mooney on marijuana, I obviously can't watch live telecasts of cricket happening around the world, 365 days a year. But, I do manage to sneak into dem government libraries and check out the scores on sites like BBSingh and CricMofo. CricMofo, what a motherfuckin' cool cricket site man.



Anyway, so after India's recent DLF Cup debacle in Malaysia, I hear the selecta (pump up de volume, Mr DJ) has decided that the Indian cricket team be retrained, reskilled, and sent off to the Winter Olympics as the first Indian bob sled team. Now, now, I know what you're thinking. Jamaica's been there, done that. Cool Runnings, fantastic Hollywood flick. They ain't copying no one, bro. Its the rasta fad. Look at me, nice former curry, currently wannabe-Jamaican. Similarly, our trendy cricketers wanna be cool too, literally, not figuratively speaking. And I, as a top notch bobsled coach, have always believed cricketers will make great bobsledgers. I mean, sledging is in our blood. We're used to giving the best downhill (ah, what irony!) performances known in sporting history, and we're known for our groupism (4 to a sled sounds great) and we love playing in new countries, where nobody's even heard of cricket. At least as bobsledders, they'll know we're real sportspersons.

All I can say is, sing that great Jamaican Indian soccer chant from World Cup 98, "Rise Up, In Di AHHHHHHHHHH". Or maybe not. I think I'm sledding into a state of sleep, so let me play my favorite lullaby, Bentley Rhythm Ace's Ride Your Sleigh - and NO, you may NOT FUNKIN' ride MOI SLAIYE`. I'm an athlete, this is expensive gear we're talkin' 'bout. NO< absolutely NOT!

Dr. Bhajji Lykes Dem Dykes

Pictured here is Indian cricketer and offspinner, Harbhajan Singh, using his superior Krypton-'lite' visionary faculties to test this stereotypical carpet-muncher for breast cancer.

Who Wants To Be An Austrillionaire?

Hey kids, when I first moved to Australia from India, I hated it. Over time, I've begun hating India, so much that when Australia plays India, I don the green and yellow paint, and boo the Indian cricketers till I'm kicked out of the ground for misbehaviour.



Anyway, my hard work has borne its fruit. India not only has an Aussie cricket coach in Greg Chappell, but Indian players are becoming more and more like us Aussies! The only problem is, they think jumping like a kangaroo will make them a true cricketaroo. Won't it?

What's With Khans and Shirts, Huh?

Seriously mate, what's this shit with Khans and shirts? First we have Shoe Rack, who likes wearing women's tops - then there's shirtless Salman, who has a very valid excuse in his lawyer gobbling all his money to settle the zillion cases and lawsuits against him - but what about Pakistani cricketer, Younis Khan?

I understand cricketers these days party hard. Like 3 odd years back, when India was in Australia, I saw Zaheer and gang banging our friend, the ABCD Draupadi. Maybe not banging, but I'm sure they got around to it. She was that kind of girl - yes, she'd even sleep with a useless, crappy satirist-wannabe like me.



Anyway, notice this guy's shirt. He's an international cricketer, at a pre-series trophy display ceremony or something. Dravid's in his team colors, but Younis seems all set for a night out in the nightclubs (seriously, I'm sure Porkistan has a few) of Karachi, or wherever this picture was taken.

So you see kids, Pakistan lost the ODI series even before it started.

Dig Your Own Hole [© Chemical Brothers]

Observer A) Former Indian cricket captain, Saurav Ganguly digs his own grave. What I wanted to ask is - isn't this what he's been upto for the past 4 months anyway? The public demands to know when he will finally be put to rest.

Also, notice his squeaky clean tracksuit - its a new sports fabric, specially developed by the scientists at Porkistan's nuclear facility, wherever that might be . THIS (clean tracksuit) is NOT, as is rumored, because Ganguly does next to nothing in the cricket field. Please give credit to Pakistani UNclear/Nuclean scientists where it is due.

Because they steal most of their technology anyway, they have all the time in the world to work on things like mud-resistant tracksuits, which also come in handy when you're invited to a conference with the now-underground Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan.

Observer B) Soreass Goonguly decides to dig up the cricket pitch after yet another miserable display of batting. But then again, Goonguly being Goonguly, we didn't expect any different. Temper, temper!

Just a word of advice, Soreass - there's no ghost in the machine.

Turncoat Team India (Cricket) Supporters

Okay, so India had an awful first two days in the first cricket Test against Pakistan, with the Porkies declaring at 679/7. Amongst the centurions were YouPiss Khan, MoHammered YouStuff, SuckShit AfroDi and CameraMan Akmal. Yes, even the bloody cameraman scored a century. So obviously, the Indian bowlers were bowling like ME!

But this coating of tricolours with green paint- this is uncalled for. How dare die-hard Indian fans turn against the very cricket team they were born to support, and paint their flags green. I'm green - with disgust, of the vomiting kind. What pisses me off even more is that they've used bloody high quality distemper produced by Asian Faints. And look at that boy in the extreme left - he's got even more green paint. What is this? Alien Nation?

And what's next I ask? Are you guys gonna convert to Islam like Mohammed Yousuf aka Yousuf Youhanna?? Huh? That boy with the hedgehog-head sure looks like a likely candidate.

Of Dawood, ISI, Crime, and Cricket , featuring CarThief Phatel and Soreass Goonguly

Pakistan is home to Dawood Ibrahim. As is customary for any and every major celebrity visiting the great pig farm, Porkistan, Dawood hosted a bacon and ham buffet for his infidel visitors, Parthiv Patel and Sourav Ganguly, only to prove he's not a religious zealot. I applaud Da_Wood - he's the coolest desi nigger around.



Cosa-Nostra-Damn-Us, the mafiosi soothsayer wrote this quatrain...

What the Dickens
The Plot Thickens
Car Thief and the Bong Goon
Will Lunch With Da Hood In The Noon.

Coach Greg Chappell To Morph Into A Sacred Football!

Crazed Bengali soccer fans have urged the Board of Control for Cricket In India to hire ISRO and udder scientists to assist in creating a soccer ball made from Graaaag Chapel, holy shit.



Yes, they want to skin him alive, and then create a true Communist foosball. Please Greg, come back to Australia. You don't want to be another Graham Staines, Padma Shri notwithstanding.

I really like people like this - they save me the 5 odd minutes I waste on image manipulation and adding silly taglines to sillier pictures.

Raj Singh Dungarpur To Run For US Presidency In 2008 as Democratic Candidate

It has come to Cow Tse Tung Sporting Vignettes Inc's notice that the Democratic party of the US will be outsourcing the presidential candidate's job to India in the 2008 elections, keeping in line with global cost-cutting measures, and finding cheaper alternatives for positions that don't make much of a difference to our world anyway. They have earmarked Mr. Raj Singh Dungarpur (it is NOT "DANGAR" {animal} much as I might insist it is) of the Board of Control for Cricket in India [BCCI] as a possible candidate, keeping in mind his exceptional administrative and political experience, and his ability to go retract his own statements with so much ease, that people often wonder if "The Dangar" has a conscience at all.

After Aishwarya's role as an extra in some nondescript Hollywood flick, here's a real reason for the global Indian diaspora to cheer for! Yes! Hip Hip Hoozah!

What Makes Anil Kumble Such A Great Catcher?

Over the past few years, one of life's greatest pleasures has been watching the markedly improved efforts of the Indian cricket team on the fielding front. Seen here is superstar legspinner, Anal Krumbly, trying to scare the ball away instead of letting the ball have the - uh - upper hand, y'know.

Saurav Ganguly Joins Rahul Dravid For A Training Session

The goonda of the Indian cricket team, Saurav Goonguly trains with his successor, Rahul Dropit, prior to the Indo-Porkistan series. The song being played in the background is Snoop Dogg's "Drop Him He's On Pot".

Ajit Agarcar, Indian Cricketing Passenger Seeks A Lift Or A New Profession

Observer A) Lethal Indian paceman, Ajit Agarcar is trying to stop a car, so he can get a lift back home.

Observer B) After being unceremoniously (what do you want next? functions to commemorate the axing of a player from the cricket squad?) dumped by the Indian cricket selectors for the 435645th time in a month, Ajit Magarcar (That's croco-motive [ala` cyborgs], for the uninitiated) is undergoing vocational training as a traffic policeman. Because he's out of a job, he couldn't afford to pay for the new uniform. We thought bringing his plight to your notice might evoke the Mother Terrorsa in you.

Disco Kumble Teaches The Sri Lankans A Thing Or Two About Dancing!

This picture was taken by our Staff Deporter, in an exclusive Delhi nightclub. Pictured, and narrated in order of importance is John Travolta's babe from Saturday Night Fever, high quality Yamaha amplifiers, and fancy disco lights, besides the fantastic dance floor. Oh, and we also have Indian cricketer and leg-spinning, medium-pace bowler, Anil Kumble, or (Anal Crumbly, as some like to call him) shaking his booty after taking 6 Sri Lankan wickets in the second Test at Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi. If you're wondering what song he's dancing to, its called "Saala Zenana", a famous Bollywood disco tune from the 70s.

The Direction Indian Cricket Is Headed Towards...

There have been numerous articles on Indian cricket's demise, Australian coach Greg Chappell's Nazi tactics with the players, and of course, Chappell's middle finger gesture to the Calcutta crowd (which has been termed by Jagadish of Cricket 24x7 as Hooghligans - that was genuinely funny, ADMIT IT).

Well, a source sent us this poster, from BCCI's forthcoming media onslaught, which clearly defines where Indian cricket is headed, denies that Chappell is a Nazi, and explains exactly why Chappell's inflated middle finger was sticking out of a bus window. Yes, you guessed it right - it's a seasonal condition, genetic, I might add. And no, it was NOT elephantiasis, as previously speculated.

Bitch Report - Complaints About Unhelpful Indian Groundsmen

Insider sources, such as ants, grasshoppers, and locusts have told us that the groundsman over in Chennai refused to accede to the demands of the Indian skipper, Growl Rabid, to make the pitch more Indian-bowling-attack-friendly, by placing pace-enhancers and turn-accelerators (top secret ISRO research on cricket led to the development of these technologies) under it, and activating them only when the Sri Lankans were batting.

Rabid is then said to have requested the Indian government to import Shahid Afridi, a demand that was turned down, because India does not believe in importing humans, primarily because feeding the billion-and-one-th man will prove to be a hard task.

Indian secret service, RAW thought they could kidnap Afridi, but Pakistan's ISI has proved to be smarter than them, and that's not just a recent thing. Rabid then exercised his last option - consulting with key Indian gurus like the spirit of Osho Rajneesh's pet iguana. This particular holy ghost presented a solution, which led to Rabid making a formal request to the Indian government to confer on Afridi the greatest honor known to mankind - an honorary Indian citizenship, and a passport that is better than the best toilet paper you have ever used. Will it work? Only time will tell.

It All Started Over A Bottle of Pepsi...

Sharkfin Tendulkar vs. Growl Rabid. Kabbadi Style Fe Di Rudeboy. And I must tell you, if I ever catch you spelling "THE" as "DI", and you're not a Rasta, I will whack you with a fucking cricket bat.

Let's Do The Twist AGAIN!

Third-rate South African player, Andre Nel whips up some traditional Swahili black magic, to get rid of the Indian captain. His chant, "Inga Boonga etc etc" is sung to the tune of Chubby Checker's evergreen "Let's do the twist", and roughly translates into:
" Come on let`s twist the Indians again,
like we did the past 100 summers!
Yeaaah,let`s twist their necks again,
like we did the last 100 years!"

I Is Being Shaktimaaan. I Is Being Supercaptaaan.

Observer A) Every time I see this picture, I think of the classic Moloko album, "Do You Like My Tight Sweater?", for the sole reason because I feel Dravid's asking his desi female fans, "Do You Like My Tight...ummm...TIGHTS?".

Observer B) The secret of my success - wearing chaddhis on my pants, ala every Western superhero. Yesssss.

I have an urge to start a Bollywood-focused blog on the lines of Cow-Tse-Tung's Cricketing Vignettes :-( .

This Ain't No Wrestling Arena

Observer A) Andre Nel's been watching too much fake-wrestling.

Observer B) Seems like the South Africans take the "inflicting a crushing defeat on your opponents" phrase literally.