Snuff Movies and Cricket - Not Another Shane Warne Sex Scandal!

I was once told, the only people who can afford snuff are the same ones who can buy their way out of jail. Not much of a quote, eh?

Seen here are Aussie leg-spinner, Shane Warne, with possibly the world's lousiest spin doctor, South African cricket captain, and massive wanker, Graeme Smith.



We know of Mr. Warne's propensity to get entangled in complex webs of sex and deceit, but little did we know what these guys were talking about when their press conferences frequently referenced "choking". Michael Hutchence/"autoerotic" asphyxiation revisited.

For Mridulaji.

LardLa (Bring Me The 'Beloved' Animal Fat)

Is South African cricket captain, Graeme Smith turning into a Granny Smith Apple (rotund, and green)? Former South African captain and Australian vassal, Kepler Wessels thinks so.

Listen to Shaun Pollock, Graeme, and stop drinking lard. Bring him some Gatorade, vassal Wessel(s).

Pansy Crony, Shaun (not of the dead) Bullock In Guerilla-style Abduction :-O

Background musique: "Take Me Away" by 4 Strings.
Ouch.

You gotta hand it to these guys - they make American spy satellites aka "eye in the sky" seem like retro machines with Stevie Wonder vision. Yes people, I'm talking about the underground cookery and spygames channel, Al Jeera [The Cumin]. They share the strangest images with PotPol [not related to Pol Pot of Cambodia], an up-and-coming rival to Interpol. "Rookie", yeah, that's what we sporty people call it, right?

Seen here is former South African cricket captain, and supposed all-rounder[huh, what, him?], Shaun Pollock being kidnapped by the ghost of disgraced match-fixer, and captain-par-excellence, Hansie Cronje's ghost. An unidentified South African player, said to be Hansie's long-lost cousin, Nicky Boje, is trying to save Shaun from Hansie's fate.

First, match-fixing, then racist abuse, then, the icons behaving badly [the only people we like behaving badly are hot chicks, OKAY], and now, guerilla style kidnappings! Yessir, cricket is the truest representation of demoncracy.

The blurred carrier number is the cause of sloppy photo-editing, and not some hidden agenda. I swear upon whoever you value most. Hence, we are unable to verify who funded the chopper hire. You can flip a coin and decide. ICC vs Matchfixers [criminal betting syndicates].

Hold on a sec.

They're one and the same.

Makhaya Ntini, Move Over

Gotta admit, South African rapist, and part-time bowler, Papaya Ntini bowled exceptionally well at the WACA today, which isn't far from my office. How sad is it that my boss didn't beg me to go watch the match instead of sitting in office and wasting my day away on bloody work.

Seen here is Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting, or Ponting, "The Daunting" as he's proving to be. Pace bowlers don't scare him, no sir.



But puny little cockroaches are another matter altogether, as we discovered from his see-through pants, and the, umm, little yellow spot down, uh, there. I'm having my dinner man, can you not talk about excreta or cow-dung for once. :-@

Also, I would like to state here that I, or my fellow cows are not related to Buffalo Wings, right? Cow Tse Tung's Sporting Wingettes are perfectly healthy alternatives to health-food, unlike buffalo wings.

Administering Cricket, S&M Style

Aussie cricket captain, Ricky Ponting wasn't amused when Ehsan Mani threatened to whip the South African and Australian teams if they dared misbehave on the field this Test series.

I fully support fining Graeme Smith for as much as setting foot on the field, when he should be away in a mental institution, having kinky gay sex with Andre Nel. C'mon, the straitjackets are more than just what you think they are.

PS: Don't miss out this month's X-Mas Hellfire do in Sydney, Mr. Mani. You would fit right in with your sexy attire and manner.

Some Glib And Some Not So Glib Criminal Masterminds

Herschelle Gibbs is a marked man these days. First, the Indian police wants him. Now, he's showing up on Interpol Most Wanted lists with his evil twin and perennial Austin Powers nemesis, Dr. Evil.

Ex South African coach, Ray Jennings had this to say, when we asked him to comment on the situation: "Looks can be deceptive. Herschelle is more glib and daft than he looks. Give the poor kid a break."

Let's Do The Twist AGAIN!

Third-rate South African player, Andre Nel whips up some traditional Swahili black magic, to get rid of the Indian captain. His chant, "Inga Boonga etc etc" is sung to the tune of Chubby Checker's evergreen "Let's do the twist", and roughly translates into:
" Come on let`s twist the Indians again,
like we did the past 100 summers!
Yeaaah,let`s twist their necks again,
like we did the last 100 years!"

This Ain't No Wrestling Arena

Observer A) Andre Nel's been watching too much fake-wrestling.

Observer B) Seems like the South Africans take the "inflicting a crushing defeat on your opponents" phrase literally.

Donkey Rides Ntini

Observer A) After making an ass out of the whole world (especially the South African judiciary), in his little-publicised ostrich-rape case, South African bowler Makhaya Ntini is seen with his long-lost brother, Donk.E Ntini. Mr. Donk. E doesn't seem too pleased with the fact that he's being photographed with a convicted rapist. Neither would you be. Would you?

I think I need to cover other sports, because cricket is getting on my nerves. We need some girls around this part of the webbed world. :-( Yes, lets make fun of the Lesbian PGA.

Observer B) Serial rapist, Papaya Ntini is captured indulging in ritual bestiality and sodomy. Houston, we have a problem.