All You People Don't Believe, In Di Ah We Got De Bob Sled Team

Yeh kids, 'tis common knowledge Cow Tse Tung is a closeted, marijuana smoking Rastafarian. Why rasta? 'Coz cannabis ain't sinful dis way mon.

Now since I waste all my mooney on marijuana, I obviously can't watch live telecasts of cricket happening around the world, 365 days a year. But, I do manage to sneak into dem government libraries and check out the scores on sites like BBSingh and CricMofo. CricMofo, what a motherfuckin' cool cricket site man.



Anyway, so after India's recent DLF Cup debacle in Malaysia, I hear the selecta (pump up de volume, Mr DJ) has decided that the Indian cricket team be retrained, reskilled, and sent off to the Winter Olympics as the first Indian bob sled team. Now, now, I know what you're thinking. Jamaica's been there, done that. Cool Runnings, fantastic Hollywood flick. They ain't copying no one, bro. Its the rasta fad. Look at me, nice former curry, currently wannabe-Jamaican. Similarly, our trendy cricketers wanna be cool too, literally, not figuratively speaking. And I, as a top notch bobsled coach, have always believed cricketers will make great bobsledgers. I mean, sledging is in our blood. We're used to giving the best downhill (ah, what irony!) performances known in sporting history, and we're known for our groupism (4 to a sled sounds great) and we love playing in new countries, where nobody's even heard of cricket. At least as bobsledders, they'll know we're real sportspersons.

All I can say is, sing that great Jamaican Indian soccer chant from World Cup 98, "Rise Up, In Di AHHHHHHHHHH". Or maybe not. I think I'm sledding into a state of sleep, so let me play my favorite lullaby, Bentley Rhythm Ace's Ride Your Sleigh - and NO, you may NOT FUNKIN' ride MOI SLAIYE`. I'm an athlete, this is expensive gear we're talkin' 'bout. NO< absolutely NOT!

What's With Khans and Shirts, Huh?

Seriously mate, what's this shit with Khans and shirts? First we have Shoe Rack, who likes wearing women's tops - then there's shirtless Salman, who has a very valid excuse in his lawyer gobbling all his money to settle the zillion cases and lawsuits against him - but what about Pakistani cricketer, Younis Khan?

I understand cricketers these days party hard. Like 3 odd years back, when India was in Australia, I saw Zaheer and gang banging our friend, the ABCD Draupadi. Maybe not banging, but I'm sure they got around to it. She was that kind of girl - yes, she'd even sleep with a useless, crappy satirist-wannabe like me.



Anyway, notice this guy's shirt. He's an international cricketer, at a pre-series trophy display ceremony or something. Dravid's in his team colors, but Younis seems all set for a night out in the nightclubs (seriously, I'm sure Porkistan has a few) of Karachi, or wherever this picture was taken.

So you see kids, Pakistan lost the ODI series even before it started.

Bitch Report - Complaints About Unhelpful Indian Groundsmen

Insider sources, such as ants, grasshoppers, and locusts have told us that the groundsman over in Chennai refused to accede to the demands of the Indian skipper, Growl Rabid, to make the pitch more Indian-bowling-attack-friendly, by placing pace-enhancers and turn-accelerators (top secret ISRO research on cricket led to the development of these technologies) under it, and activating them only when the Sri Lankans were batting.

Rabid is then said to have requested the Indian government to import Shahid Afridi, a demand that was turned down, because India does not believe in importing humans, primarily because feeding the billion-and-one-th man will prove to be a hard task.

Indian secret service, RAW thought they could kidnap Afridi, but Pakistan's ISI has proved to be smarter than them, and that's not just a recent thing. Rabid then exercised his last option - consulting with key Indian gurus like the spirit of Osho Rajneesh's pet iguana. This particular holy ghost presented a solution, which led to Rabid making a formal request to the Indian government to confer on Afridi the greatest honor known to mankind - an honorary Indian citizenship, and a passport that is better than the best toilet paper you have ever used. Will it work? Only time will tell.

It All Started Over A Bottle of Pepsi...

Sharkfin Tendulkar vs. Growl Rabid. Kabbadi Style Fe Di Rudeboy. And I must tell you, if I ever catch you spelling "THE" as "DI", and you're not a Rasta, I will whack you with a fucking cricket bat.

Let's Do The Twist AGAIN!

Third-rate South African player, Andre Nel whips up some traditional Swahili black magic, to get rid of the Indian captain. His chant, "Inga Boonga etc etc" is sung to the tune of Chubby Checker's evergreen "Let's do the twist", and roughly translates into:
" Come on let`s twist the Indians again,
like we did the past 100 summers!
Yeaaah,let`s twist their necks again,
like we did the last 100 years!"

I Is Being Shaktimaaan. I Is Being Supercaptaaan.

Observer A) Every time I see this picture, I think of the classic Moloko album, "Do You Like My Tight Sweater?", for the sole reason because I feel Dravid's asking his desi female fans, "Do You Like My Tight...ummm...TIGHTS?".

Observer B) The secret of my success - wearing chaddhis on my pants, ala every Western superhero. Yesssss.

I have an urge to start a Bollywood-focused blog on the lines of Cow-Tse-Tung's Cricketing Vignettes :-( .

A Fist of Joodi :-O ; Wing Chun in Cricket

Human pest, Ha Ba Yansin, disciple of the esteemed Wing Chun sifu, Yip Man, is seen dislodging Growl Rabid with the classic "one-inch-punch", after Rabid called him "Joodi Garland". Joodi Garland. Get it?

Back-dated post.

Future Indian Captain, Fowl Aphid with Ousted Indian Captain, Soreass Gaandguly

Soreass G: Yo Aphid, lemme show you my injured tennis elbow.
Fowl Aphid: Mate, does it look like I give a flying fuck? I'm the captain now. Piss off, knucklehead.

Soreass Gaandguly Experiences the Dreaded "Wanker's Wrist".

Taking a cue from The Prodigy single, "Funky Shit", the Indian team was heard chanting,
"OH MY GOD IT'S THE WANKER'S WRIST!!".

Growl Rabid is seen soothing Gaandguly, whilst Coach Chappal is blasting him over not using his own wrist enough to wank himself, hence causing it to weaken considerably. Bloody Nagma.