Steward, Bring Me My Milk Bottle Or I'll Chuck A Hissy Fit

Traitor and ex-Australian spinner Steward McFrill aka Stewie McGirl aka Stuart MacGill (in more politically correct circles) hasn't featured on this blog since 2005. Can you believe that? I sure can. Bastard let the team down when we needed him most.

Anyway, so here's not-so-young Stewie, doing his best impression of -yes, you guessed it - a little McGirl in a pink frock. Not that Cow Tse Tung has anything against Pink.

I love pink. I mean, I just drank this shit diet energy drink called Pink this evening instead of having a meal so that when they milked me on the first day of 2012 tomorrow, I'd produce a viable alternative to Red Bullshit and V for Vagina.Got Milk?

Rayon Harassed by Cheater Liddle

Peter Siddle and Ryan Harris Training for the India-Australia Test Series 2011-2012. 

Word is that Rayon Harass's (aka Ryan Harris to you educated ones, and Lion Hallas to you chinky Asians) parents named him so because they thought he was like rejuvenated cellulose. After a forced hiatus due to purported injury and spurious-liquor-intake, I can't see no cellulose, but cellugain and again, the cellulite seems to be anything but lite, Rayon.


Here's Cheater Liddle (aka Peter Siddle), who's actually not a liddle cheater but a big one at that. You might say that's an extremely uninformed opinion, but I bet you hadn't seen this photo of Liddle subtly threatening physical violence  against Harass with his toy dagger...

If You're Petrified of Mickey Arthur, Good Luck Playing The Currymunchers, Ed Cowan!

A reliable source tells us that top odour fartsman, Ed Cowan, no relation to Edith Cowan, or Edith Cowan University was actually called Ed Coward before he stank up Australian cricket. Don't believe this source of ultimate truth? Look at the evidence above. Even choker South African coach Mickey Farter scares this fellow!

Liz Kemp, I've Got The Hemp

Man, the good thing about Brett Lee is that he didn't marry his "partner", Liz Kemp, which means that fat, ugly, horny cows like me are free to fantasize about her. Now, I do wish they'd publish more pictures of her in the media, but that wouldn't let her remain as special as she is right now. Right boys?

Anyway, lets go back to my past, when I was a sprightly young calf, growing up in the Third World, strolling on roads, fighting for my space with stupid Maruti Suzuki matchboxes people said were cars. One day, my owner brought home a television - it was educational, because the only channel we received was BoreDarshan, on which my favorite show was Krishi Darshan. Suddenly, in the 90s, came Sitar TV, not sponsored, or endorsed by Pandit Ravi Skunker, or his Medusa-like doll of a daughter, Matyrushka. Yeah, so that's when I first saw the likes of Pamela Bandarson and Jenny Nathkhatti on BabeWatch and MTV (MoociliciousTransVestites) respectively, which led me to the most important decision of my young life - if I was ever going to lose my virginity, it would be to a blonde bombshell. And she had to be Caucasian, like my forefathers. No fake blondes like Amisha Phatel for me - I like the real thing.
Ru-Paul. I miss you.
Ceteris Paribus.



Yeah, yeah, I know this is not a very happy picture, and depicts a sick mind, but hey, I can't afford a shrink, or hospital treatment for that matter. So please don't tell Brett Lee I want to root his girlfriend (Liz Kemp, Lets Smoke Hemp). Ending up as a Whopper© at Burger Fink is my second worst nightmare, the worst being Matty GrayHen eating the Whopper me.

PS: Bollywood scriptwriters - pay attention! Demented Indian clerk, crazy about cricket, and cricketers' wives/girlfriends :-O Can you sense my excitement? We're talking a potential Bollywood blockbuster!

PPS/PS2: Has Shane Warne finally become Sane Warne? See this picture - what a lovely little girl(Brooke Warne), what a good daddy. Simone Warne, BOO.

The Sheep Can Wait, Says Crazy Billy

Seems like Rianna Ponting, Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting's law graduate blonde-bombshell wife whipped up a 7 course meal for anti-Aussie "elite" umpire, New Zealander, Billy Bowden. But our friend Ricky seems to forget that only he's got a day off from the cricket - not Bowden!

Something's wrong with these Kiwis - when a hot chick [who cares if she's married] invites me to go grazing with her, I put a stop to my world, just for her. Just for her. Billi, you're a pussy [for our English readers, Billi=Pussycat in Hindi].

Happy Australia Day mateys.
This Australia Day, lets roast umpires instead of traditional meats, because honestly, they're becoming pains in the asses. Where's a serial killer when you need one?

Andrew Symonds Goes Wacko For Schmackos!

Observer A) I've seen cricketers endorse everthing from car tyres to birth control pills - okay, maybe not the pill. But this - this is INHUMAN, literally. Seen above is the little boy of the Aussie cricket side, Michael Clarke, petting Andrew Symonds, Australia's best one day cricket player, who is playing a canine in the new Schmackos pet food advertisement. Notice Clarke's innocent-little-boy-glee at his doggie standing upright, even as Symonds is delighted to be fed Schmackos 'strapz'.

I ask you, is there no end to this advertising tomfoolery?

Observer B) Andrew Symonds is rewarded by his jubilant and youthful master, Michal Clarke, for another brilliant performance on the field with the tastiest dog snack in Australia - Schmackos!

Makhaya Ntini, Move Over

Gotta admit, South African rapist, and part-time bowler, Papaya Ntini bowled exceptionally well at the WACA today, which isn't far from my office. How sad is it that my boss didn't beg me to go watch the match instead of sitting in office and wasting my day away on bloody work.

Seen here is Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting, or Ponting, "The Daunting" as he's proving to be. Pace bowlers don't scare him, no sir.



But puny little cockroaches are another matter altogether, as we discovered from his see-through pants, and the, umm, little yellow spot down, uh, there. I'm having my dinner man, can you not talk about excreta or cow-dung for once. :-@

Also, I would like to state here that I, or my fellow cows are not related to Buffalo Wings, right? Cow Tse Tung's Sporting Wingettes are perfectly healthy alternatives to health-food, unlike buffalo wings.

Administering Cricket, S&M Style

Aussie cricket captain, Ricky Ponting wasn't amused when Ehsan Mani threatened to whip the South African and Australian teams if they dared misbehave on the field this Test series.

I fully support fining Graeme Smith for as much as setting foot on the field, when he should be away in a mental institution, having kinky gay sex with Andre Nel. C'mon, the straitjackets are more than just what you think they are.

PS: Don't miss out this month's X-Mas Hellfire do in Sydney, Mr. Mani. You would fit right in with your sexy attire and manner.

I Shot The Ponting...But I Did Not Shoot No Gilchristuty

Observer A) Ricky Ponting is shot by Stuart MacGill, after the latter was dropped from the Aussie Test squad for the 4618302th time. MacGill was heard saying, "I just wanted him to feel MY pain". Yeah, right. Psycho.
Observer B) "Steward" (he's been twelfth man for so long, c'mon!) McGill unleashes his inner demon, better known as Corporal P. Unishment on the Aussie Captain, Sticky Daunting.

OMG - Its That Space-Age Cricket Bat AGAIN!

Seen here is Aussie captain, Tricky Daunting, or as my little brother used to call him (back when he, my brother, not Daunting, was little), Pinky Pointing, sending a secret message to the Australian Cricket Operations Center, requesting for a replacement space age cricket bat-tlegun. Now, all is fair in love and war, right? So what the fuck were those dirty Poms cribbing about?

You're Such A Shane In The Ass

Shane Warne grills some of the excess flab from his stomach and buttocks, and pours authentic Aussie beer over those chunks of pure human fat to say goodbye to his former meaty self. I love that Haitian touch, and the focus on healthy eating. Go Warney!