Barmy Harmy Working On His Fitness

Man, I truly thought Steve Harmison had more to him than he's shown us on this tour. I mean, I've been his fitness trainer for months now. We've been lifting candy floss and flossing our teeth non-stop to prepare for this very Ashes series. And now, our collective dream is in shambles. Damn those Aussies. Let me show you a picture of my beloved Harmy diligently undergoing my acclaimed fitness program for cricketers...



He's NOT busting a cheerleader move. For God's sake, you ignoramuses and hippopotamuses. A song comes to mind..."Candy Perfume Girl" by the evergreen crackhoe, Madonna.



So, on the day that we hear of Shane Warne's definite and Glenn McGrath's tentative retirement plans, what does Steve Harmibum go and do? He announces he's "retiring" from ODIs. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but he's just 28, right? All my years of hard work and toil have gone down the drain. I was hoping Harmy would show some grit and determination, and master the art of ODI bowling. But well...

England, like India is a team that rewards mediocrity, because excellence is unknown, or requires way too much movement away from one's comfort zones. Look at Pakistan. Afridi "retires" from Tests, and he gets dropped from the ODI squad. Gotta earn your stripes son, gotta earn your stripes.

Dig Your Own Hole [© Chemical Brothers]

Observer A) Former Indian cricket captain, Saurav Ganguly digs his own grave. What I wanted to ask is - isn't this what he's been upto for the past 4 months anyway? The public demands to know when he will finally be put to rest.

Also, notice his squeaky clean tracksuit - its a new sports fabric, specially developed by the scientists at Porkistan's nuclear facility, wherever that might be . THIS (clean tracksuit) is NOT, as is rumored, because Ganguly does next to nothing in the cricket field. Please give credit to Pakistani UNclear/Nuclean scientists where it is due.

Because they steal most of their technology anyway, they have all the time in the world to work on things like mud-resistant tracksuits, which also come in handy when you're invited to a conference with the now-underground Dr. Abdul Qadir Khan.

Observer B) Soreass Goonguly decides to dig up the cricket pitch after yet another miserable display of batting. But then again, Goonguly being Goonguly, we didn't expect any different. Temper, temper!

Just a word of advice, Soreass - there's no ghost in the machine.

Of Dawood, ISI, Crime, and Cricket , featuring CarThief Phatel and Soreass Goonguly

Pakistan is home to Dawood Ibrahim. As is customary for any and every major celebrity visiting the great pig farm, Porkistan, Dawood hosted a bacon and ham buffet for his infidel visitors, Parthiv Patel and Sourav Ganguly, only to prove he's not a religious zealot. I applaud Da_Wood - he's the coolest desi nigger around.



Cosa-Nostra-Damn-Us, the mafiosi soothsayer wrote this quatrain...

What the Dickens
The Plot Thickens
Car Thief and the Bong Goon
Will Lunch With Da Hood In The Noon.