All You People Don't Believe, In Di Ah We Got De Bob Sled Team

Yeh kids, 'tis common knowledge Cow Tse Tung is a closeted, marijuana smoking Rastafarian. Why rasta? 'Coz cannabis ain't sinful dis way mon.

Now since I waste all my mooney on marijuana, I obviously can't watch live telecasts of cricket happening around the world, 365 days a year. But, I do manage to sneak into dem government libraries and check out the scores on sites like BBSingh and CricMofo. CricMofo, what a motherfuckin' cool cricket site man.



Anyway, so after India's recent DLF Cup debacle in Malaysia, I hear the selecta (pump up de volume, Mr DJ) has decided that the Indian cricket team be retrained, reskilled, and sent off to the Winter Olympics as the first Indian bob sled team. Now, now, I know what you're thinking. Jamaica's been there, done that. Cool Runnings, fantastic Hollywood flick. They ain't copying no one, bro. Its the rasta fad. Look at me, nice former curry, currently wannabe-Jamaican. Similarly, our trendy cricketers wanna be cool too, literally, not figuratively speaking. And I, as a top notch bobsled coach, have always believed cricketers will make great bobsledgers. I mean, sledging is in our blood. We're used to giving the best downhill (ah, what irony!) performances known in sporting history, and we're known for our groupism (4 to a sled sounds great) and we love playing in new countries, where nobody's even heard of cricket. At least as bobsledders, they'll know we're real sportspersons.

All I can say is, sing that great Jamaican Indian soccer chant from World Cup 98, "Rise Up, In Di AHHHHHHHHHH". Or maybe not. I think I'm sledding into a state of sleep, so let me play my favorite lullaby, Bentley Rhythm Ace's Ride Your Sleigh - and NO, you may NOT FUNKIN' ride MOI SLAIYE`. I'm an athlete, this is expensive gear we're talkin' 'bout. NO< absolutely NOT!

Tigger, the Nigger Woods To Release New Old Track!

Y'know kids, back in the mid 90s was a rock band fronted by a nigger, just like me. Yeh, back in tha day, I was called Mixmaster Mike, just like the dude on the Beastie Boys' albums. So one day, not long after I gave up rescratching scratched singles, I was watching MTV, looking for inspiration. What do I see? A nigger, just like me, playing heavy fucking metal. Well, it was heavy metal to my sugarpop-tuned ears bro. So yeh, these dudes called Hootie and the Blowfish were playing a track called Only Wanna Be With You, with some fantastic golf commentary in the background. And this track was like rock 'n' roll bhangra, because it used lyrics by my favorite bhangra artiste mon, the venerable Bob Dhillon!



That song, was not only my inspiration to become a headbanger, bro. It also set another famous nigger, like myself, on the path to fame. Yes, Tigger Woods it was, and now, he's repaying his debt to his Teddy Bear, POOH, who was always by his side when little Tigger wasn't as famous, and was constantly wetting his bed by singing that crazyass choon, nigga.

So hear dis, people in da house. "Only Wanna Pee With Pooh" by Hootie and the Blowfish ft Tiger - I mean, TIGGER Woods!!

What?! The Pakis Wanna Blow Daryl Harper?

Man, tell you what - this cricket series between England and Pakistan has been really bitter. But Daryl Harper, he's a man who believes in equality, and doesn't judge Pakis by their color, beliefs, fundamentalism, or sexual perversions. Or maybe he does, because he thinks the Mullah wants to perform fellatio on him. Do I blame him for this stereotyping?

The Fearful Sajid Mahmood! (Abdul Razzaq, duck for cover!)

Need I say more?